As a former belly dancer who taught a few children myself, I don't think I sexualized anybody. Even though a few parents worried about me. “What the hell is going on? How can they allow something like this? How is this appropriate for children?” Le monsieur raged at strangers at a downtown family festival, watching local performers, and for God’s sakes, what were the festival organizers thinking? How could they allow a belly dancer to perform? On stage? In front of children? Claire, the local costume-delivery florist responsible for this outrage, was well-familiar with the town’s outspoken uptight, conservative. She watched as Claude-Michel made his way through the crowd, demanding of various onlookers how outrageous was this, right here in downtown Torrington? “Oh my God!” she said to her husband. “Look! Claude-Michel is heading RIGHT FOR NICOLE’S PARENTS!” Mom says Claude-Michel spouted off to her and Dad, upon which Mom snapped, “That’s my daughter up there!” with the sort of look she customarily reserved for my brother and I growing up when we’d pulled some Really Serious Shit, Prepare Your Will Now. Dad, perceiving the accent, answered in French, explaining that yes, that was his daughter, and they were just fine with me. By the time I was done the stage was ringed with mostly wide-eyed little girls who didn’t gave a rat’s patoot about Claude-Michel. “You know what?” Mom told me later. “For the next month there won’t be a single bedsheet or spare towel safe in this town from aspiring belly dancers!” We’re subversive! Children were always my best audience. Belly dancers are bright, flashy, and ridiculously girly. The art form is a celebration of being a woman. So I understand why children are drawn to over-the-top drag queens. Hey, drag queens wear more clothes than I did and I didn’t think I was harmful to children. I hoped to teach young girls and women to be proud, develop confidence, celebrate their womanhood and their inherent beauty. Drag-positive parents say events like Drag Story Hour teach their kids who may be consciously gay, or otherwise trying to figure themselves out, that they’re not alone—and it’s okay to not conform to gender stereotypes. Anything that dismantles toxic masculinity/toxic femininity is fine with me. My gay friends have spoken about how difficult it was growing up fancying the ‘wrong’ gender, with sex ed classes and discussions oriented around heterosexuality, where one dared not go Oscar Wilde in class. Diaries of a Middle School Eunuch - Anthony Eichenberger, Medium But what about ‘kiddie’ drag shows? Is that where we draw the line? As a former belly dancer and, as far as I know, not a corrupter of children, I think there’s a happy medium. Somewhere. Out of the cabaret, into the library I remember a belly dancer at my brother’s elementary school talent show. She was probably eight or nine. I don’t know if her mother danced but I know their daughters often follow in momma’s bare feet. I had a pre-teen belly dancer in my own class and later a high school girl, both with their parents’ permission. I was respectful, if disappointed, of parents who hustled their children out of the room when I arrived at a party to embarrass some 40-year-old birthday boy with a ‘bellygram’. Hey, it was their parents’ call. Is there a problem with drag shows? Are kids being ‘groomed’ for pedophiles? And what about kid drag performers? In the right environment, and tailored for children or young people, they can be honest, good clean fun. Just like belly dancers. When Claire booked my events she made it clear I offered a family-friendly performance. I bristled when asked, “Do you strip?” No. Never. Belly dancers don’t strip, strippers strip. I can’t swear there aren’t strippers dressed as belly dancers, but it wasn’t me or anyone of my friends. But. While the far right has been obsessed with pedophilia for decades, many of us on the Level Left and Rational Right have this nagging, persistent feeling there’s more to drag shows, however child-appropriate, than its proponents let on. We detect the unpleasant whiff, less of pedophilia but of genderfluid recruitment, already in full swing targeting children. Are drag queens an adjunct to the movement’s clear agenda to push gender questioning on young children? Given the optics surrounding drag queens, homosexuality, and the mostly unfair connection the right has drawn to pedophilia (we’ll get to that shortly), I suggest the drag community could help by reacting less defensively and addressing these real concerns for parents who want to support their emerging-whatever kid, but don’t want her or him to be encouraged to think they should be unhappy in their birth body, that they should be the opposite gender, and that it should start now. Even worse, possibly have the idea planted in their heads that they’ll be suicidal if they don’t ‘fix’ this, since trans-activists won’t stop pushing the long-debunked claim that post-transitioners are less suicidal. We know that 80% of kids outgrow their gender dysphoria, which is sometimes confused with mental illness. Gender dysphoria, often accompanied by depression, anxiety or agitation itself isn’t a mental illness, but how a person feels. It can be a passing phase, or it can be more persistent, when medical intervention may become necessary. Many of us critics are quite suspicious of this newly-manufactured body dysmorphia. Kids functioned just fine as little as twenty years ago in their birth bodies before Queer Theory gender obsessives taught them to worry they were born in the wrong body, just in case they didn’t already feel fat, ugly, unmanly or weird-looking enough. If 80% of gender-dysphoric kids outgrow it, then instead of immediate medical intervention, an alternative is allowing them to present, dress, act, dance, and live as they want, going through all the phases of discovering themselves we all must go through as their pubertal bodies undergo absolutely natural, universally-shared changes. I wonder how many parents would welcome drag shows and drag queens if they were assured their kids wouldn’t get encouraged towards medical treatments their parents don’t think they need, because they’re okay with having a gay kid, as long as s/he’s happy. Maybe they’re more amenable to supporting a trans child once they’re old enough and haven’t outgrown it. Is going through puberty really all that terrible for the genuine trans? Every transsexual since Christine Jorgenson did it, until about 10-12 years ago. Many later-breaking transfolk had kids before they transitioned, which today’s trans kids may not be able to do, long before they’re old enough to know whether they want children or not. I think especially of young girls and women who think they don’t want children, until the biological clock starts ticking at 28-30 and they change their minds. There are no backsies if today’s treatments ruin fertility at puberty. Jazz Jennings will never have a baby of her own. I don’t know if she preserved sperm before her vaginoplasty, but the ideal age for it is 40. She was in her teens. Team Trans doesn’t listen, and emotionally blackmails parents with suicide threats if they don’t agree to immediate ‘gender affirming’ treatments of uncertain science and potential long-term harm. See why we find drag shows all a tad suspish? An agenda that may go beyond ‘we’re just helping queer kids’ is the first reason why many of us suspect the new-ish kiddie drag show fad may be more than just fun and acceptance games. And no, we’re not all on the far right. Or even the Rational Right. Sharkpædo Gay men have long been painted by the homophobic right as pedophiles, ignoring mountains of homo- and heterosexual pervos who prey upon young children, including within the right’s own ranks. It’s universally understood that a lot of gay men, although not all, love camping it up in women’s clothing. So do plenty of straight men, for whom it’s a sexual fetish. The connection between gay men, sexual fetishism. and drag culture is indisputable. The LGBTQ movement embraced, as part of its rainbow sexual outliers, kink and BDSM sexual fetishists. Who cares? as any logical liberal would ask. Consenting adults! The far right, who sees pedophilia everywhere like the far left finds racism under every rock (Earthworms are racist!), think drag queens are out to molest peoples’ kids because, and they offer you proof, what about those drag queen perverts in Pennsylvania and Texas that got busted with kiddie porn??? Touché. But not the takedown they think it is. Two busts do not a movement reputation make, and every single person likely knows a few closet kiddie porn aficionados, probably none of them drag queens. With the proliferation of porn today and the popularity of kiddie porn, countless families never expect they’ll hear what British women have come to call The Knock: When the police come to your door and tell you your husband’s just been arrested for an online crime they won’t yet strictly define. I’ve known at least one: An old IT customer of mine who bought a scanner from me. I remember him because of his unusual name and because scanners at the time were thousands of dollars. Later I read he got busted for possession of kiddie porn. Oh God, that scanner! I remember him as a nice guy. The closet kiddie porn aficionado might not be your friendly neighborhood drag queen, but someone much closer to your kids. Or it might be one of your kids. But point taken. Fact is, pedophiles are universal. What they have in common is they’re mostly male. And a desire to be where the children are. Drag show promoters need to be wary of this as do the adult leaders of any gathering of children you can think of: Boy/Girl Scouts, religious leaders, play date organizers, child beauty pageant patrons, schools. Drag event organizers who got blindsided by a performer’s kiddie porn arrest can’t be accused of negligence if they had no prior records. So pedophiles are a legitimate concern, and drag queen organizers need to be extra-careful about this since drag also has a long and established history as highly sexualized performance (for adults). It’s also fair to point out the LGBTQ movement effed up a bit back in the ‘90s. A prominent gay rights organization made a regrettably bad decision which gave the movement a somewhat complicated and uncomfortable connection with pedophiles. The International Lesbian Gay Association’s reputation exploded in 1994 when it was granted consultative status on the United Nations Economic and Social Council. Senator Jesse Helms ‘busted’ the ILGA when he discovered they’d allowed NAMBLA to become a member in the ‘80s, somewhat grudgingly, in service to inclusivity. The ILGA quickly divested itself of NAMBLA after that, but the optics were ‘problematic’. Let’s hope this doesn’t happen again. Inclusivity needs boundaries. Like much of the left, the Alphabet Soup Gang is not always very good at drawing sexual boundaries. It hasn’t, for example, effectively dealt with the sexual predator problem the trans movement has introduced with well-documented incidents involving ‘trans’ sex offenders committing sexual assault or other sex crimes in formerly ladies’-only spaces, or declaring themselves ‘trans’ and getting themselves transferred to women’s prisons where they can, and sometimes do, re-offend. Like Rikers Island’s Ramel Blount, a transwoman accused of raping a female prisoner. This report only seems to be in the far-right media. And, oh, lookee here, also from the Bronx County District Attorney’s Office. I wonder why there’s no mention of it in the popular left-wing media? I Googled ‘Ramel Blount’ with MSNBC, CNN, ABC News and CBS News and found nada. You see why the right and critics on the Level Left don’t trust the LGBTQ set to always tell the truth. Or know when to say No. More recently, there’s the recent British trans children charity Mermaids scandal, in which a board member was forced to resign when he was revealed not as a pedo, but a bit too pedo-friendly. I suspect Mermaids may have not done their proper due diligence, or had never heard of ‘Google’. So yeah, folks, be extra-cautious about pedophiles. Because when we see drag queens and kids together, we wonder—however innocent and authenticity-supporting it may be—whether there are an unknown number of ‘bad actors’ taking advantage of an Ado Annie movement that just cain’t say no. What might be positive about kiddie drag shows? And kid drag performers? My inner aging belly dancer, currently sitting around naked in an imaginary old folks home since I sold all her clothes on Craig’s List a few years ago, is screaming, “But what do YOU have in common with drag queens?” You mean besides glitz, glitter, great music, and making 40-year-old men blush? “Yes! And fetch me a bathrobe, dammit! It’s only May and this is CANADA!” I watched videos of child drag performers, and then child belly dancers, and didn’t feel like either were evil. The belly dancers were quite good, and while they were light-years from what pole dancers do, I can understand why parents might not want their own child to do that, and disapprove of parents who do. It’s their call. We need to be respectful of that. What’s different today is the Internet, and social media. Decades ago, a kiddie performance stayed on stage, it wasn’t shared all over Da Internetz. I watched Desmond the Amazing, the drag tween queen social media sensation, who’s already attracted the attention of one pedophile. I was critical of the ‘responsible’ adults around him a little while back. Desmond strikes me as a decent kid. I suspect he’s probably gay. I’m happy he can dance and prance around in female garb with his parents’ approval, which many wouldn’t offer, and might actively discourage. Parental permission removes the shame of ‘borrowing’ their sister’s clothing, not to mention the constant anxiety of worrying about getting caught and punished. Perhaps severely, if Daddy is homo/transphobic. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to make Desmond a child star, even though he may be in better hands than Brooke Shields, Drew Barrymore, and Hollywood child stars were. Wil Wheaton of Star Trek: The Next Generation tells horrifying stories of his abusive childhood with a father who was clearly jealous of his son’s fame. Any child star, drag or not, will attract sexual predators. Very, very few make it out of fame with their mental health intact, although Shirley Temple appears to have been one outlier who did. And while I’m sure all attracted their share of sickos, even global reach didn’t mean as much before the Internet, when only people who could afford movies, or lived in countries where they weren’t censored or prohibited, were exposed to them. I like the idea of keeping it to the ‘hood, or local community theatre, rather than on social media. That goes for young belly dancers, too. I love the girls in the video above but if I had a belly dancing daughter I don’t know that I’d want her on YouTube. As for Drag Queen Story Hours, they might improve their image if they left alone stories with gender/queer themes. It looks more like normalizing transvestism and promoting Queer Theory/genderfluid ideology rather than teaching children the joys of reading which can be accomplished with other books, ya know. Why not Cinderella—With Dogs! or The Day The Crayons Quit? There’s a happy medium for drag shows for kids (except for the far right, who are agin’ anything da libtards aren’t) and that’s to at least trust children to figure out what they are and how they feel on their own, and give them the space to explore it. The far right needs to stop terrorizing drag queens and children with guns and threats. If it’s their call to keep their own children from such events, it’s other’s call to allow them. Had my two young students not gotten their parents’ permission, that would have ended it. Belly dancing was fun and glitz and feminine support, and so can be drag queen events, if they ease up on the recruitment and fetishism optics. The Level Left and the Rational Right hve reason to be suspicious. So does the far right even though they’re just as guilty of trying to colonize children’s brains and might arguably be exposing their own children to dangerous weapons and violent ideology while transactivists target them with gender questioning. My own views are still evolving on this. What do you think? Am I wrong? Am I right? I’m open to respectful alternative opinions. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

The red flags were everywhere. 'Maria' has no idea where she made mistakes, and no one will tell her. The truth hurts too much. Everyone’s got a superpower; mine is not getting abused in romantic relationships. Okay, it helps that I’m never in them anymore but even in my tawdry twenties I never had an abusive boyfriend. It’s why one of my missions in life is to help women primarily, but everyone else as well, take back their power and avoid or get out of abusive relationships before shit gets real. I know something abuse victims don’t know: How to avoid domestic violence. I steer clear of all the red flags. Unfortunately, no truth-telling victim ever seems to learn anything new from her experience, like what women can do to protect themselves better. Like, what warning signs they’ve learned to avoid. Like, examining what she could have done differently or what she missed, perhaps because she didn’t know what she didn’t know. Like, avoiding toxic men and getting out early long before he’s invested enough to go all O.J. on her. Tedious railing against the injustice of a deeply patriarchal world in which men are more physically powerful only gets you so far. Focusing attention and the demand for change solely on men is like stopping six feet from the front door in a burning house and bitching that your back is on fire. It’s long past time to start doing post-mortems on the ways women get mistreated, abused, and murdered. Not to judge or blame them, or ourselves, but to learn from these mistakes so we don’t make them again, and help others to avoid reinventing the ordeal. In project management a ‘post-mortem’ is when a team conducts an analysis on a completed project - a building construction, an ERP system implementation, a large order fulfilled and transported to a customer overseas. It asks What did we do wrong? What did we do right? What caused the mistakes? What can we do to mitigate future risks? Why did we make the right decision in a crisis? What can we improve? The goal is to learn from their mistakes, and team members need to take responsibility and be accountable for their own errors, and recognize what everyone did right so they can do it again. I recently ran across a Newsweek article titled Woman Blames Andrew Tate For Turning Her Boyfriend Into A Rapist. Number one, no, I don’t think so. And number two, she missed all the waving red flags including one so big you could unfurl it down the side of the Rock of Gibraltar. How To Avoid A Bad Boyfriend The first really big red flag the article’s Maria missed was her boyfriend’s ‘obsession’ with misogynist huckster and now alleged sex trafficker Andrew Tate. If she didn’t know who Tate was then, she must surely have Googled him. I’ve written about Tate before. Maria described how her boyfriend would play Tate’s social media videos in all their vainglorious misogyny. Loudly, for her edification. I wonder how she could tolerate listening to Tate spout off about how men own women and how women share responsibility in getting raped and not thought, “Hmmmm, maybe I can do better than this bozo.” What would we think of a black woman who stayed with a white boyfriend who watched white supremacy videos? All throughout the relationship the boyfriend displayed clear signs of his disrespect for her, and pretty certainly other women. I don’t believe listening to Tate turned him into a rapist (spoiler alert, she was the victim) but it may have accelerated it. He was drawn to Tate because he already had issues with women. A therapist quoted in the article speculates that compassionate, empathetic women, as Maria seems to be, are the sort of women misogynist men are drawn to. They easily forgive and want to do what’s best for the man. (There’s another red flag!) Every relationship has problems, and no one is perfect, but women like Maria are missing some critical recognition in their brain of clear and present danger. It’s unclear whether she comes from a history of abuse; if she did she doesn’t mention it. One doesn’t require an abusive childhood or prior abusive relationships to be abused, as Nicole Brown demonstrated. Maria even missed the second-biggest red flag, which came later, after the initial Andrew Tate Fanboy flag: She got raped, and it’s clear she unconsciously enabled it by permitting toxic behavior in the bedroom from the beginning. The Boyfriend had groomed her for this moment. Yes, she was collusive. Not blameworthy; the fault’s all on her rapist boyfriend, but she unwittingly collaborated. This is the most difficult insight against which so many women, feminists and abuse advocates resist acknowledging: Tolerating bad behavior encourages abusers to push it farther, to see how much more she’ll take. Dina McMillan outlines and details exactly how abusive men do this in her superlative book “But He Says He Loves Me!” It’s detrimental to women, and the antithesis of what domestic abuse advocates and activists seek to eliminate. We have to recognize the role the victim plays when she allows a man to mistreat her. If she doesn’t have the insight, knowledge, or self-esteem (or grew up with my mother) to identify the red flags and know when to get out and move on, she will continue walking down a dysfunctional staircase, giving away a little more of her power every step down until she passes a point where she can’t save herself, someone else will have to. If anyone does. It’s her power. She agrees and decides to give it away to him, whether she realizes it or not. We’re doing a disservice to women, victims, and ourselves when we refuse to accept responsibility for our personal power and the decisions we make. And if there are women who honestly can’t see those red flags, who are genuinely blind to the warning signs, we have to address that too. This isn’t something men can do for us. We have to address these problems ourselves. The Boyfriend exhibited all the common traits of abusers: Manipulation, gaslighting, derogatory comments, blah blah blah. Nothing new here. The red flags were everywhere, and Maria missed them all. Like: Double-booking a date Tristan Tate, Andrew’s less-famous brother, advises men to save time by double-booking two women at once, and tell each woman that the other is just a friend. The Boyfriend did this to Maria, repeatedly. Dissing #MeToo and feminism He repeatedly expressed dislike for feminism, #MeToo, and left-wing activism, which didn’t bother her until he made some ‘inflammatory’ posts on Facebook. Controlling the bedroom He began ‘leaking controlling sexual behaviors’ in the relationship and blamed her if she complained. A particularly telling comment without greater context is when Maria said, “He would say that I’m making it sound like he raped me.” I don’t know exactly what she meant by this but it sounds like somewhat rapey behavior began for a certain time before the actual rape occurred. She stayed with him. She clearly allowed it. This was another really huge mistake on Maria’s part. The Boyfriend wouldn’t take ownership of his behavior when she tried to discuss it with him. This is typical of abusers, regardless of sex. ‘Nother red flag. Changing her behavior for him Maria changed herself, lost weight, did her makeup as he claimed he’d like, all in an attempt to get him to like her more, or love her, I’m not certain. This is also classic abusive, controlling behavior on the abuser’s part. The questions I wished she’d asked herself were, Why am I doing this? Why for him? Then shit got real. The rape I want to make it clear: I’m not blaming Maria for her rape. The Boyfriend is 100% responsible for that. But you can’t rape a woman who isn’t there. I hope that Maria, and women like Maria, will learn something from her honest mistakes and not make those same mistakes themselves. Don’t be the victim! This is how you learn. You can be a career victim or you can learn to watch for early red flags to avoid this tragedy. I listened to my mother when she talked to me from an early age about controlling, abusive men and not to put up with any of it. How women think if they love him enough he’ll change (no), how you can never change a man (or anyone, really), how if he hits you once, he’ll do it again, so don’t give him another opportunity (YES! YES! YES!). Post-mortems are useful for any traumatic event in your life, whether it’s an abusive partner, a horrible job, a relationship with a toxic parent or child, or the unproductive way you handled a trauma you couldn’t control. To reiterate: The point is not to blame yourself, but to learn from your mistakes. Believe me, I haven’t gotten involved with another alcoholic since my ex-partner. An abusive relationship is a grooming process, in which the abuser (consciously or unconsciously) tests his partner constantly to see how much she’ll take. Every step in which she doesn’t set boundaries, or allows him to sidestep them, gives him permission to continue pushing the envelope. We don’t like to think of it that way but it’s the truth. Assholes only go as far as we let them. That’s why we encourage children to stand up for themselves, to stand up to bullies. Because bullies prefer easier victims. Related: She Is Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Be With Me - The women who accused Marilyn Manson of abuse Related: The Two Women Marilyn Manson *Didn’t* Abuse Maria’s ignored, or unrecognized red flags were many, and in the bedroom, at some point before the rape, The Boyfriend exhibited ‘controlling sexual behaviors’ for an unspecified time before the rape, including saying, “You act like I’m raping you.” When the actual rape occurred, after a lot of alcohol, Maria says he said ‘derogatory things’ to her during the rape. Maybe things he, or maybe they’d both heard Andrew Tate say, or advise? Was this the first time he’d said them, or had he said them before? Red flags, red flags, red flags. I don’t know her history, but if she can talk to Newsweek, she can ask herself these questions. Rape wasn’t even a red flag for her after it occurred; she actually tried to patch it up with him, but once again, The Boyfriend didn’t take ownership. She felt she should be able to trust him, but why? What had he ever done to make her think she could? Eventually, it seems, she finally left him. Maria’s mistakes Maria never questioned his preoccupation with Andrew Tate; the toxic philosophy she knew the guru subscribed to; the toxic videos The Boyfriend listened to. She didn’t challenge him in the bedroom (or likely, out of it), when he became controlling, manipulative and abusive. She tolerated a lot of toxic behavior for unknown reasons, which may or may not involve previous abuse or abusive relationships. Whether it did or didn’t is irrelevant; these are the mistakes she made, that she must not make again to avoid another Andrew Tate-styled relationship. I can only speculate on what went pear-shaped with Maria, because the Newsweek article didn’t ask several critical questions or offer much backstory, perhaps for space reasons. But it’s clear Maria was breadcrumbed every step of the way because she allowed it, most likely out of ignorance because who would choose a toxic relationship like this? It strikes me that compassion and empathy, two highly valuable qualities in a prospective romantic partner, can function as a weakness if one isn’t careful to guard against others willing to take advantage of one’s good nature. Maria chose not to report The Boyfriend for the rape, and for once I’m glad she didn’t. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have gone well for her. It would have fallen, rightly or wrongly, in the ‘grey rape’ area where the authorities could argue she was in a relationship, they’d had consensual sex before, he claimed it was consensual, so now she’s saying it wasn’t? She was too drunk to know what she was doing! I bet he planned that for his potential legal defense. Every step of the way The Boyfriend groomed her to take more of his shit, and his first shot across the bow was subjecting her to Andrew Tate’s toxic philosophy. She allowed it. She didn’t leave his apartment or house when he played it. She allowed ‘controlling sexual behaviors’ which culminated in a rape. She’s not to blame for what happened to her, but she colluded, whether she realizes it or not. What we want to do, whatever toxic situation we’re in, is to stop colluding. Here’s a depressing little tidbit to end this otherwise depressing article about how some women collude in their own oppression: The Women Who Love Andrew Tate: ‘He’s What Every Man Should Aspire To Be.’ Good luck with that, ladies. Remember, I told you so. How to avoid abuse: This Is What Zero Tolerance For Abuse Looks Like What We Can Learn From Nicole Brown Simpson’s Bad Choices Mama Didn’t Raise No Victim Feminist The 5 Best Books For Avoiding Abusive Relationships Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

A weird sort of half-assed defense of Tucker Carlson, recipient of the most disingenuous justified firing in the history of the world “Who do you want to see fired next from Fox News?” asked some wag on Twitter a week and a half ago, right after host Dan Bongino got the first boot-to-the-butt after the Dominion settlement. “F*cker Carlson,” I replied, never expecting it would happen. But lo and behold, Christmas came early in 2023! Last Friday was Tucker’s last day, as he discovered Monday morning when they were all like, “Yeah, uh, Tucker, can we see you for a minute in HR? We thank you for all your hard work here at Fox News but your services are, uh, no longer needed.” Why, Rupert, why? Why did Fox News cast out its Golden Goose, their most popular anchorliar? Were they turning over a new leaf and perhaps finally committing themselves to journalistic integrity? (No, Rupert Murdoch has not yet fired himself). Was it because Tucker is targeted in a workplace harassment lawsuit by a former Fox News producer? (Maybe, sexy stuff brought down Roger F/Ailes and Bill O’Lie-lly, but not, like, a day or two after it was announced). Was it because Tucker demonstrably lied so much on the air? (Now that’s just crazy talk!) The Wall Street journal sez that the Fox brass axed him because he’s got, well, a bit of a potty mouth, to put it mildly. Seems some last-minute, under-the-wire texts he expressed after the 2020 election and its wake revealed some pretty critical and uncomplimentary things the Tuckster had to say about Fox management, in particular, a particular Fox senior exec, with, uh, how shall I put this delicately? Tucker has a real fondness for the c-word, and I don’t mean ‘conservative’. Rhymes with ‘runt’. The word was liberally (ar ar!) used on the production of Tucker’s show, if not, obviously, on-air itself. According to Abby Grossberg, not the aforementioned rhymes-with-runt but the plaintiff in a harassment lawsuit against both Tuck and Mu’ch, Tucker used the word freely as did many of the production bros. Apparently, this wasn’t a problem for Klan Murdoch. But when he used it against a female Fox executive with whom he took a Panzer tankload or two of umbrage, and it came out in redacted private messages as part of the lawsuit (which Tucker allegedly didn’t want redacted, he wanted the world to know exactly what he thought about this rhymes-with-runt), Klan Murdoch and the network’s female CEO decided Tuck had to go. I can’t imagine anyone I’m happier to see go Fox himself than this overgrown perpetually pouty frat-boy waste of protoplasm, unless it’s maybe that withered old squinty-eyed cockTucker at the top, but firing him strikes me as a level of hypocrisy so high that even the Geezer of Ancient Gall should have been embarrassed to Tuckernate him. The only bigger rhymes-with-runt than Tucker Carlson at Fox News is Rupert Murdoch, and firing him for calling someone a rhymes-with-runt now is, well, wouldn’t you say, awfully late to the Nazi party? Like, this alleged rhymes-with-runt senior executive is such a little feminazi liberal snowflake after God knows how many years at Fox News with Tacky Carlson that senior management has to break out the smellin’ salts, Aint Pittypat? It was okay, it seems, for Tucky to use the word for just about any other woman who displeased his lordly self. Will they fire all the other free-flinging rhymes-with-runters? We’ll see. Speaking of delicate, fragile Fox flowers, let’s talk about Abby Grossberg, the woman behind the toxic-harassment lawsuit. Her beef with The Big Ham is that Carlson created a hostile work environment for her with rampant sexism and antisemitism and gratuitous rhymes-with-runting. Okay, I’m no fan of sexual harassment or workplace harassment and maybe I sound all blame-the-victimy again, but—isn’t that considered part of the package for working at Fox News? It’s a super-conservative-ultra-right-wing ‘news’ network that worships Donald Trump, defends Vladimir Putin and treats Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy as though he took over Hillary Clinton’s pizza pedophile CEO role after she had to quit to terrorize insecure white males by running for President. Why would Grossberg expect a mature, responsible, adult, #MeToo-sensitive work environment? Did she work her way through college at Hooters and complain how she was constantly ogled and sexually harassed? It’s like listening to black Trump campaigner Omarosa Manigault Newman whine about how she had to put up with racism while she was working for Donald Trump. The guy who called for the execution of the Central Park Five, later exonerated of the infamous Central Park ‘wilding’. The guy who refused to rent to black tenants, hobnobbed with white supremacists, kicked black people off his casino floors, fired a black Apprentice guy for being ‘too educated’, started the rumor about Barack Obama’s birth certificate, and suggested Obama got into Columbia or Harvard for reasons other than being good enough? I’m no fan of racism, but sorry, bitch, you asked for that!!! Donald Trump aside, I’m thinkin’ if you don’t like misogyny, or racism, or antisemitism, or homophobia, or Nazi fanboys, or sexual harassment, or Wars on Christmas, or climate change denial, or kids’s candy sexual fetishism, then, just sayin’, maybe Fox News isn’t the right professional opportunity for you. The grand irony of Grossberg’s lawsuit is she helped craft the vicious environment for which she now requires her smellin’ salts. She’s suing not just Tucker Carlson but also Fox News itself because—as she alleges—and get this, you’ll never believe what Fox News—Fox News!!!—asked her to do— —Give ‘misleading testimony’ in her deposition for the Dominion lawsuit. That’s right, believe it or not, Fox News actually asked her, then pressured her, to lie. I’m hoping she’ll use whatever money she gets from Fox News and Tucker to buy herself a nice makeover and update her look a little, since she looks like your grandmother’s eight-grade music teacher in 1952. 1996 and counting Hard to imagine, but Fox News has been on the air for over 25 years now. Seems like just yesterday we had a fourth major non-cable network for the first time since 1956 after the demise of the late great Fourth Network of Black ‘n’ White Three-Channel TV, the DuMont. My my, time flies when you’re having fun. Not. Fox News has long consorted with the enemy. I wrote them a polite but critical email about a news story I’d watched in the weeks after 9/11 demonstrating how easy it was for terrorists (the ad hoc terrorists being the Fox News crew rather than Al Qaeda) to breach a supposedly secure nuclear facility by insecurely driving right in like they owned the damn reactor. I didn’t fault them for investigating and breaking the story—job well done!—but for showing the real terrorists how it’s done! Fox News, intent on destroying America since at least 2001, and pretty arguably before that, too! Jon Stewart called out Tucker Carlson in 2004 when he guested on Crossfire and disappointed Tucker by asking him to stop hurting and ruining America, rather than—being funny. Tucker didn’t listen. In Fox News’s infancy, aiding and abetting terrorists was then-unintentional, but I had no idea that twenty-odd years later, with Tucker Carlson at the on-air helm, they’d be cheering on a filthy Russian dictator, damning the people his army had invaded and brutalized, supporting that consummate tabloid moron Donald Trump for President, cheering on kids in cages, and fomenting an attempted coup d’etat against his own country. Lying all the way. But that’s not, ultimately, what he got fired for. No, he upset some little chickie-boo in the executive suite, and, okay, countless other women at Fox News, for years, by freely flinging around the word that rhymes with runt in a workplace that had no problem with that, until they did. That’s when they finally fired Tucker Carlson, that filthy rhymes-with-dastard. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. 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Because only those fascists on the *other* side ban and censor. Real radicals read and watch what they damn well want. Banning and censoring: It’s not just an obsession of the right anymore! When I was in college, the Rise of Reagan led to immediate carte blanche for conservatism’s fear-driven pet pathologies, arising like a purse-mouthed cobra flicking its tongue and swaying over the country, daring liberals to step out of line. The Hippie Era was over, pinkos. The Moral Majority were your new strict, strait-laced mommies and daddies. And boy, did they love censorship! Emboldened Christian fundamentalists attacked books, movies, record albums, and video games. While I wasn’t much into Pac-Man, or the record albums they disliked (I preferred Pat Benatar, the Go-Gos and Loverboy to ‘Satanic’ heavy metal), I did love books, and like any young person I strongly disliked so-called grownups telling me what I could or could not read. I read classic novels without a class requirement: Whatever the Religious Reich banned around the country. A Separate Peace. Lord of the Flies. 1984. The Diary of Anne Frank. Slaughterhouse-5. Lolita. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The Catcher in the Rye. I worked briefly with the nuclear freeze movement and watched the newer anti-nuclear war movies the right disdained: Threads, The Day After, War Games. Special Bulletin, a TV-movie about American terrorists holding the government hostage with a homemade nuclear bomb they threaten to detonate if the government doesn’t disable its weapons, was treated as a live broadcast like other breaking events. Never tell me I can’t read, see, hear, or watch something. If the right has customarily embraced censorship, bans, and shutting down free speech, it would be dishonest to say the left never has, and it’s certainly getting comfy-cozy with it now. Scattered examples of the left’s new-found love for old-school censorship are rooted in the not-so-distant past: Angry college students attempting to ‘de-platform’ (not yet a word) scientist E.O. Wilson in the 1970s, invading classrooms to shout him down and putting up posters denouncing him as the ‘Right-Wing Prophet of Patriarchy.’ According to Steven Pinker’s The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature, students brought noisemakers to Wilson’s lectures, and at a 1978 scientific conference protesters stormed the stage chanting anti-racist slogans, one grabbed his microphone and another attacked him with a pitcher of water. This was all over Wilson’s book Sociobiology: The New Synthesis, in which he argued that animal and human behavior is driven by heredity, environment, and past experiences, refuting the left’s belief (still common today) that we are born with a ‘blank slate’ brain, and that all we are is due to nurture, rather than nature. Claiming ‘free will’ is an illusion, as Wilson did, was perhaps a bit hyperbolic, and today scientists accept that the question isn’t nature vs nurture, but now much of each. Let’s not forget the left’s ‘cancellation’ (also not yet a word) of sportscaster and prognosticator Jimmy the Greek in 1988, who made some idiotic, racist pseudo-scientific remarks about black athletes and consequently got fired in the uproar (back then, as now, the left offered no forgiveness for an apology. ‘Redemption’ was for right-wing Christian whackos, like Jesus). Today, it’s even-steven, with the left and right running neck-and-neck in the race to ban, censor, and prohibit content they don’t like. So I say, let’s find it and read, listen to or watch it! And don’t forget to strap on your protective mask, as the classic ‘80s countercultural comic Bloom County warned us, in case the fishes tear-gas you! Books the right doesn’t want you to read The 50 most banned books in America, 2021-2022 - And Tango Makes Three, based on two male chinstrap penguins at New York’s Central Park Zoo who were trying to hatch a rock like an egg, so zookeepers put a real egg in their cage and they hatched it. Neurotic and massively anthropomorphizing parents didn’t like its ‘homosexual overtones’. And also Stamped: Racism, Antiracism and You by Ibram X. Kendi. Even if you don’t like Kendi’s anti-white tone, Ted Cruz can’t stand it and used it to figuratively beat Supreme Court Justice nominee Ketanji Jackson over the head with it. So you should read it just to annoy him. The right’s book-banning campaign reaches a new level - A Kansas school district’s conservatives pulled, among many other books, The Handmaid’s Tale from libraries because, I don’t know, maybe they didn’t want girls to see their game plan. And ban-ny state Texas went after 850 books they were afraid might make students feel ‘uneasy’, including Amnesty International’s We Are All Born Free: The Universal Declaration of Human Rights in Pictures, along with books that explained puberty and reproduction, and An African American and Latinx History of the United States, which tries to correct inaccuracies in American history and add a dash of nuance, sorely needed in our black-hats-vs-white-hats world. Maus, an eighth-grade graphic novel banned in Tennessee for depicting what the Holocaust was really like (conservatives wanted a kinder, gentler Holocaust, I guess) To Kill A Mockingbird - Censors’ long-time favorite, this time banned in California because it contains racism. (Boy, wait’ll they read Ibram Kendi!) The Twilight series - Well, the occult is always right out for Christian fundamentalists so falling in love with a vampire is verboten. Oddly, the series also met with conservative disfavor because it explores ideas about death and sexual desire, despite Bella and Edward, the two protagonists, not sleeping together until they get married, in accordance with the Mormon author’s religious beliefs. Fifty Shades of Grey - No surprise here that a book full of weird kinks including a ‘Red Room of Pain’ met with disapproval by conservatives who’ve probably never stuck ben-wa balls up their hoochy-cooch after sucking on them even once, although others have argued the books should have been banned for bad writing. Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin. His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something. He's my very own Christian Grey popsicle. [You mean we can buy these at Stop ‘n’ Shop?] Banned by Amazon - Books the left doesn’t want you to read Pretty much anything critical of the transgender movement can count on bans and boycotts by the blue-pink-and-white set, if only in angry blog articles. The right hates anything pro-LGBTQ and the left hates anything critical of it. The ACLU and their transgender lawyer attempted to get Abigail Schrier’s controversial book Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters removed from Amazon. It was successfully removed from Target stores until Twitter stepped in to shame them away from censorship (demonstrating there’s at least some genuine social justice still hanging in there). When Harry Became Sally: Responding to the Transgender Moment also met with far-left disapproval. Parler, a right-wing social media app, was removed from the Apple and Google stores and also Amazon Web Services. A fair chunk of the planning for the Jan. 6 attack occurred there and also on Gab, a fellow right-wing Twitter and Facebook alternative, but the planning also went down in plain sight on Twitter and the government didn’t shut that down. (Only Donald Trump, the Proud Boys, and some other right-wing groups implicated in the attack). Too rich and powerful to be banned by the left The ‘Joe Rogan Experience’ Disappears and Reappears - The controversial podcaster’s phenomenally successful series disappeared from Spotify in 2022 in response to criticism and a Twitter campaign against him about presenting COVID-19 misinformation and ‘racial slurs’. Love him or hate him, he made too much money for Spotify to ‘cancel’ as hippie rocker Neil Young and others had urged on Twitter. Supposedly Rogan himself removed over 100 episodes with the demon N-word in them. The Joe Rogan Experience remains available today. Spotify stood by their $200 million hypermasculine golden goose. Kanye West, a/k/a Ye - He’s down but not out after threatening to go ‘Defcon 3’ on the Jews and other anti-Semitic comments last year. Fans did not noticeably stop buying his albums in 2018 when he told Donald Trump slavery was a ‘choice’. He’s a conspiracy theorist and an occasional white supremacist, and his anti-Semitism cost him several lucrative business and partnership deals. Today he makes a paltry $3.7 million from Spotify, which is a drop in the bucket for a guy who’s now worth only about $400 million. But it’s still a lot of money for anyone as Spotify pays less than a half-cent a stream. Considering he’s been lauded as a ‘genius’ and was extreme even before he went super-right-wing-Trumpy, he might win back a few fans if he tones down the hostile rhetoric and produces another great album. Whether he’s got it in him to do that remains to be seen. Too rich and powerful to be banned by the right The Christian right in particular has a long history of boycotting everything they don’t like, but we could easily argue boycotts were ‘cancel culture’ before the left made it a thing. Although the right successfully ‘cancelled’ the Dixie Chicks, Colin Kaepernick, and Samantha Bee, it must be noted that Beyoncé is still going strong, Ellen DeGeneres (called ‘Ellen Degenerate’ by Jerry Falwell) went on to become a successful talk show host after aggravating the homophobic right by ‘coming out’ on her TV sitcom in the ‘90s, and Target failed to go bankrupt after a right-wing boycott of the store in 2016 in which it claimed it wouldn’t discriminate against transgender people. There’s nothing more offensive to the Religious Reich than failing to discriminate against others. Too rich and powerful to be banned by either The Witch Trials of J.K. Rowling - A wonderful 7-part podcast series. Let’s remember, the Religious Right banned, censored, pilloried and monstered Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling before it was cool. Hell, some of these young whippersnappers calling Rowling a c—t, a bitch, a TERF, et al today were still swimmin’ around in their daddy’s balls when ‘Christians’ burned and banned Rowling’s books for ‘promoting witchcraft’. One of the best explanations I ever got for all the right-wing Rowley hate was that Harry’s adoptive family the Dursleys represented what life was like in a relentlessly normal, boring, repressive family, vs Hogwarts which was fun, free, and magical. Even being Nigel Longbottom was better than Dudley. Why the left-wing hate? Angry men in dresses who desire marginalization, can’t stand reasoned argument and who will do anything to shut feminists up. Things the right doesn’t want you to say—or else I encourage you to say ‘Gay’ all over Florida - just not on school property. You could get fined, imprisoned, or drawn and quartered by Governor of Florida and presidential wannabe Ron DeSantis if you say ‘gay’ or several other words including ‘transgender’, ‘queer’ ‘genderqueer’ or ‘Ron DeSantis is a fascist poopyhead’, but you can say them everywhere else, especially on Gay Disney Day which this year is Saturday, June 3rd. Things the left doesn’t want you to say—or else If Elon Musk has been good in any way for Twitter, it’s to restore a little sanity and reality to the trans debate. I’m not sure how far he’s gone in permitting unpopular opinions about trans ideology, but under the Old Regime people regularly got suspended and banned for stating biology is real, that you can’t change your sex and for ‘misgendering’ or ‘dead naming’ people who’d switched teams. Except for dead-naming Caitlyn Jenner since it was pointed out the entire world knew who Bruce Jenner was as a famous athlete, and who she was now. Things the left and right don’t want you to do at football games Don’t kneel during the national anthem to protest police brutality. Don’t kneel in prayer. Banned elsewhere by the right, because Amazon only bans the left’s no-no’s Gender Queer: A Memoir - Written by a nonbinary asexual, Maia’s cathartic biography about a person born female with eir own really customized pronouns (‘eir’ is not a typo), Gender Queer became the most banned book in the United States, reports the American Library Association. The 1619 Project - The right really hates this one, a Pulitzer Prize-winning report on the history and legacy of slavery. James Patterson’s Maximum Rides books, by once again, the ban-crazy Ronald DeSantis. I’m not sure Emperor Go-Go Boots has ever seen a book he approved of, much less read. No one, especially Patterson, seems clear on why his Young Adult novels are deemed unsuitable for children, unless DeSantis has a particular bug up his butt about a lab-created family of bird people, or something. Maybe Patterson depicted them pooping on a DeSantis statue? While I’m not in favor of banning Patterson’s books, I am in favor of banning Patterson on the grounds of impersonating an author. I haven’t read the Rides books but I’ve read two others and they were so bad I Googled on ‘why James Patterson’s books suck so much’. Answer: He’s got an army of fourth-rate hacks churning out his story ideas which made perfect sense considering they seemed written by sixteen-year-olds living in some place that isn’t New York which is why they got so much about New York wrong. Just about anything by black authors - This includes anything about Critical Race Theory, Brown Girl Dreaming, about growing up black in the ‘60s and ‘70s, and The Story of Ruby Bridges, first a banned book and now a banned Disney movie, about the six-year-old who was part of the original Little Rock school integration fiasco in the late ‘50s. Banned from Vimeo by the far left, then restored by the Level Left Dead Name - A documentary attacked by tranactivists, the Religious Reich of the left, for 'being ‘transphobic’, which is a social justice term meaning ‘Anything feminist that doesn’t fit our misogynist, gynophobic narrative’. Vimeo removed the documentary for violating its policy against ‘hateful content’, which in this context meant, ‘It exposed the harms brought upon others by the gender transition industry’. Affirmation Generation - A documentary about trans kids who de-transitioned. De-transitioning is growing quickly and transactivists lose their minds when people talk about it. De-transitioners are often ostracized from the trans tribe for admitting they made a mistake and prefer their original body. One wonders why those who are truly happy post-transitioning don’t just shrug their shoulders and say, “Good for you. Be authentic!” Psychology shows that liberals aren’t as tolerant as we think. Consider this just a very short list of content the left and right don’t want to you see, hear, watch or read. Fascism is fascism, and I leave you with a liberal burning a JK Rowling book. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

Anti-porn activists may have had a bit of a point. Is there a healthier middle ground between today's violent sexual exploitation and 'ethical' porn? “For fuck’s sakes, don’t pick up men on Tinder,” I thought unsympathetically when I read experience pieces by women on Medium about meeting up with men on the notorious pickup app, and suddenly finding themselves the recipient of rough, violent sex. 'What’s up with the choking, slapping and hitting?’ they’d ask and I’d wonder, “What’s up with going to a strange man’s house to fuck him? Are you trying to get murdered?” I didn’t understand how common violent sex had become, or where it came from. Most of the last twenty years after my Big Breakup has been an endless conveyor belt of coffee dates. If men had gotten more violent in bed, it flew under my radar, since most men were too boring for more than a single Tim Horton’s. I didn’t know how pervasive porn had become, and how much more violent and misogynist, than when feminists protested Hustler depicting a woman in a meat grinder. Learning about the 2000s mainstream Porn Revolution showed me those Medium gals’ experiences weren’t just young women being dumbasses. The left would rather not talk about what garden variety violent porn means for women, lest we come across too much like the cross-bearing sourpusses of yore. But did the right, maybe, just sayin’, have at least a bit of a point? Man, we loved to make fun of Bible-thumpers back in the day. The Religious Right had risen like the Zombie Apocalypse to ruin our orgasms. Anti-porn zealots ran amok chasing everything they deemed inappropriate for children under 80. Ronald Reagan appointed Attorney General Ed Meese to investigate and document what they believed were the harmful effects of consuming pornography - which back then was magazines, strip clubs, catalogs, and Blockbuster rentals. Big cities offered famously seedy neighborhoods like New York’s Times Square where you could anonymously view ‘peep shows’ and wank in peace to Patti Porks Peoria. We liberals hooted and hollered at porn critics and laughed at Meese’s sexophobic and inaccurate report. Before its release it blackmailed convenience stores and other porn purveyors, threatening to name them in the report if they continued to retail raunchy reads. It found, unsurprisingly, what it was commissioned to find. Porn was harmful to human relationships. Man, those stiff-necked uptight stick-up-the-butts couldn’t handle some good old-fashioned healthy filth! But still… Maybe the Meese Report was stupid and inaccurate and rife with scandals and errors, but today’s porn ain’t yer grandaddy’s porn. It’s been an evolution from Larry Flynt, who fought for First Amendment rights in multiple obscenity trials to the increasingly violent porn today’s hardened consumer requires to—stay hardened. Today’s sex-trafficked, often highly illegal porn is the other side of the First Amendment victories we once cheered. The object of one’s desire I resist turning into a harridan for either side of the porn debate: Neither a Meese anti-sex fanatic nor an All sex is rape, women are uniformly brutalized feminist extreme. The 1960s Sexual Revolution was imperfectly implemented at a time when ‘patriarchy’ was only the barest shadow of comprehension in feminist brains, so the Revolution was run and guided by men, for men. Women slowly claimed, or reclaimed, their lost sexuality and to exercise more choice and control, aided by The Pill, and later Roe v. Wade. Women were empowered to explore their own sexual desires, fantasies, and to challenge the notion that women who sleep around are ‘whores’ and men who do it are ‘studs’ (the parlance of the day). I viewed porn like every other ‘70s teenage kid - we ‘borrowed’ my best friend’s dad’s magazines and read them in her bathroom. I saw a few porno movies in college, at the end of its ‘golden age’. Is it inherently wrong to want to see naked people having fun? We delude ourselves thinking only men objectify, and only objectify women. Men objectify themselves and other men, as exemplified by all the super-ripped mostly naked male bodies in action movies that customarily draw more men than women. As for saintly women, who aspires to those rail-thin bodies and big Kardashian butts they see in the media? Like, is anyone holding guns to their heads and forcing them to pass up eight meals in a row? Or jamming silicone bags into their chests in a back alley? One of my male friends a few years ago was furious when he commented on Facebook that he thought some female Canadian politician was attractive, and his female friends feministed all over him, complaining he was ‘objectifying’ her. A few months later those same women went all oogly-googly over famous world hottie Justin Trudeau, Canada’s Prime Minister. Because, you know, only men objectify. In 2015, Barack Obama came in second to Trudeau in a Top Ten of the World’s Hottest Leaders. Sorry, Mr. President, eh? You know what would be awesome? A BARACK OBAMA AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU MÈNAGE Á TROIS!!! Bow-mow-mow chakka bow-mow-wow! Oh shoot, I’m objectifying, aren’t I? But hey, politics just got more—exciting! Does porn necessarily have to be degrading? Here’s the crux of what I see as the essential problem with porn: Eroticized domination, lodged in all human brains. Porn depicts men dominating women sexually, as does the popular female version, spicy romance novels. Although I’ve never been a fan of the genre, I’ve read enough bodice-rippers to know that being dominated by a hot, spicy man is, well—bestselling. Humorous fake romance book covers from the World of Longmire website Women’s view of erotic male domination differs. In romance novels, sex and romantic love are intertwined; in porn, romance is about as welcome as Jesus and your mom standing beside your bed. Rape is ‘gray rape’ in romance novels; she wants him, can’t give ‘it’ up to him for some contrived reason, he overpowers her and ‘forces’ himself on her when in fact she really wants it. It’s the classic exoneration card for women compromised between being a slut (wanting sex) and being a virgin, i.e., a ‘good’ woman. She certainly doesn’t suffer PTSD from the resulting sexual act. In porn, rape is depicted as - or actually is - a violent rape, devoid of emotional commitment, consent, or any sexual desire on the woman’s part. The victim has zero control over what’s happening, unlike the romance novel heroine who is usually strong or competent or spit-fiery in some way to keep the hero, a decent if imperfect man, in abeyance. It’s the very nature of the force and humiliating conquest violent porn aficionadoes get off on. Which leads me to ask: Why would a ‘good’ man want to watch that? Even if it’s just a fantasy? What would we think about him if he confessed he liked faked videos of animals being tortured, but he loved animals and would never harm them? Would we want to date him? Whether certain male consumers have demanded more violence or pornographers delivered it to keep consumers from getting bored or jaded by more pedestrian sex (at some point those badly-acted secret egg beater parties and ‘spontaneous’ suburban orgies begin to look all the same), the sexual domination of women by men is where the eroticism—and the malevolence—happens. Is erotic domination always wrong? Would sex be dull without it? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. I find ‘bodice rippers’ troubling too. I suspect they indoctrinate women with desires for a strong, powerful man that may well not match his real-world counterpart, where hyper-masculinity often connects underlying insecurity expressed via violent physical abuse. In my admittedly limited experience, I don’t remember any romance novel heroes whacking the heroine around and getting rewarded with sex and love, but more experienced readers are welcome to correct me. And so I wonder why others have to be harmed and victimized for someone’s sexual pleasure, and whether watching violent porn indoctrinates men to believe women want rape, want abuse, want to be dominated and humiliated. Given that 30% of Pornhub’s accounts are women’s, perhaps they’ve been indoctrinated to believe that’s what they should want. In Nancy Jo Sales’s book Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno, she details how a man shows her women’s ads on the very app Sales met him on. Young women claimed they wanted to be raped, choked, slapped or threatened during sex. Is this a female kink, liberated by our evolving ‘sex positive’ culture, or have they never been properly exposed to loving, gentle, mutually satisfying examples of sexual pleasure? ‘Sex positive’ liberals, conditioned to be inclusive, accepting, and never question others’ ‘freedom’, must somewhere wonder deep down how free we are if we’re still entrapped in the undeniable appeal of violent masculinity. Maybe my friends and I were weird or vanilla back in the day, but in our late-night jam sessions we didn’t talk about secret desires to be treated violently. In fact, we laughed at men who wanted anal sex or a threesome. “What’s up with this bisexual thing?” one would ask. “The way to kill the ‘threesome’ idea,” I observed, “is to say, ‘Sure, great! I’ve secretly wanted to do you and your best friend!” Sales theorized that perhaps one element driving the high alcoholism rate in Millennial women is getting drunk enough to deal with the shitty, painful sex they got from hookups. Only 40% of them experienced orgasm in sex - most got it from their vibrator later. Stripping human sexuality down to raw animal lust, as porn does, treats women—fellow human beings—as things to be fucked, disposable sex toys, beneath one’s contempt when done filling them with sperm (or jizzing on their faces), the very definition of toxic masculinity. Porn has always been primarily for pleasing men, and many don’t need that romantic love crap interfering with their desire to just fuck like bunnies without consideration for their partners’ pleasure, feelings, or even their essential humanness. This is where we’ve arrived, fifty years after the first cum shot fired over the bow-mow-mow of the Sexual Revolution. This is where the backlash happens, when feminism demands greater maturity, accountability and emotional understanding of one’s sexual pleasures. But on the more sex-positive porn side, a male friend once sent me an amateur porn he thought I’d like based on conversations we’d had. Which was that what I mostly disliked about porn was how degrading to women it was. “You’ll like this one,” he emailed me. “It’s an older groupie having sex with a cute young rock musician.” I have to admit, it was pretty hot! Just two people enjoying each other and treating each other well. I bet it’s not very high-ranking. ‘Ethical’ ‘healthy’ porn - can it even exist? I wrote a little about ‘ethical porn’ a few years ago. Everyone in ethical porn is paid fair market value, and the actors and actresses agree to what they’ll do, without pressure. The sex is genuine, the female orgasms are real, and there’s a lot more of the f-word than you get in regular porn films—foreplay. What might this teach men about what a real female orgasm sounds like? Ethical porn is created for women as well as men. The sex, from what I’ve read, is joyful and playful. The downside is it’s usually not free. Ethical porn is like Whole Foods groceries or fair trade coffee—it costs more to produce, so you have to pay for it. It also offers more body varieties and diversity - young, old, trans, queer, folks with disabilities, different races, different body types. Everything is clearly consensual, and yes, you can even get ethical kink at kink.com. Beat me, hurt me, and we’ve got safe words unlike those filthy wankers at YouPorn! My gut feeling is the concept of porn doesn’t have to be degrading or humiliating, and we should be able to get off without other human beings getting treated like shit. What if ethical porn introduced healthier practices, mutual (real!) sexual pleasure, and introduced certain men to a whole new arena of sexual pleasure they’ve perhaps not experienced before—sex with someone you like or care about, even if it’s just ad hoc? I won’t argue for a return to the sexual puritanism of yore. The traditional conservative approach to sex was as deeply disturbed as the anything-goes, let’s-not-analyze-what-we-consume-too-closely willful blindness of the modern world. Back then, people got married as much to have sex as they did because they were in love—and if they were in love, they didn’t question why, and whether that person could make them happy. Another ugly truth the puritans don’t want to acknowledge: Human beings can’t all be pigeon-holed into lifelong monogamous unions. They aren’t all content with missionary marital sex, as exemplified by all the Republican and ‘Christian’ politicians caught having the gay sex they rail about on C-SPAN. The spectrum of human sexuality must also embrace a variety of partners and sexual practices, which is where ethical polyamory comes in: Where everyone agrees to and abides by the rules. And if anyone really wants to enjoy pain during sex, it’s BDSM with their own rules and especially ‘safe words’. That’s where ethical sex and ethical porn meet, where I’m more willing to concede that a person who likes a little pain, degradation and humiliation may simply be exploring parts of their psyche that don’t necessarily mean they need a shrink. In a world of eight billion people it will be many generations before patriarchal domination addicts will let anyone pry it out of their cranial folds. But it’s something to think about. Working toward a healthier, more civilized, more mature world starts with vision. The left rightly regards itself as sex positive, but it can’t visualize a less violent, less patriarchal world without closely analyzing today’s porn and asking uncomfortable questions about what’s being produced and why, how much criminality feeds the machine, and how many enslaved human beings, including children, are suffering unspeakable horrors for someone who considers themself a ‘good’ person, who would never hurt another human being, so s/he can jack off to it. We ain’t there yet The United Nations reports that misogyny is on the rise globally. Does graphic porn contribute to that? Experts have debated the content question for decades. Maybe it’s not that porn drives sexual aggression, but that the sexually aggressive are driven to consume it. We’ve debated video games, television, comic books and ‘penny dreadfuls’. And we still can’t agree. Censorship is something everyone dislikes, yet excuses. Most (perhaps not NAMBLA) agree child porn is horrible and should be illegal. Does child porn drive pedophilia or are pedophiles attracted to child porn? Does anybody care? Jail them all, we say! If you wouldn’t trust a guy to pet-sit who thinks fake kitten torture is fine only to watch, can a grander world vision include treating women like garbage to get one’s rocks off? Pornography traps liberals between a rock and a hard-on place. We worship the First Amendment, even if today’s porn looks creepily close to real-world violent assault and misogyny. Even if we magically eliminated all porn’s human trafficking, would a woman truly be free to consent to getting forcefully penetrated in all three of her orifices if she’s desperately poor? Do we give misogyny a free pass for wanting to see something like that because now she’s ‘consenting’—well, sort of, but at least getting paid? Porn, sex positivity and the left. It’s complicated. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. 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It's game time, liberals! We've got to screw Trump and his MAGAs harder than they screwed America! This may be easy for me to say because I don’t live in the shooty Ignited States anymore, but— —We have to hold Donald Trump fully accountable for his countless crimes. We can’t let him get away with any of it and we can’t be swayed by accusations of political witch hunts, not to mention threats (perhaps encouraged) his base will get violent and/or attempt to pull another Jan. 6. I find it heartening that what may have been Trump’s ‘trial balloon’ last week resulted in a far less violent response from his base, which may have sent not-so-Teflon-Don a message that his base’s support for him has eroded. A Fox News poll—Fox News, people!—showed 61% of Americans don’t want Trump to be President again. Trump must surely be aware of this, and his ex-fixer Michael Cohen, a reigning talking head since he got out of jail for paying a porn star to pretend she hadn’t had sex, claimed from the beginning that Trump’s ‘election campaign’ is a bid to stay away from jail (so far, so bad) and that it’s just a giant grift of his clueless, easily manipulated base (so far, so good). Trump’s nutty MAGAs pose a real threat. They can’t entrust future victory to elections, at least not for Trump since they can’t fix and steal them, although their gerrymandering and games to prevent minority voting are still an effective technique for Keeping America Stupid. Last week, police around the country responded to bomb threats and some white powder mailed to the Manhattan DA’s office presiding over the grand jury which was quickly determined to be not a dangerous substance. This is a long-time right-wing intimidation tactic; they did this to countless abortion clinics in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We know Trump’s base is packed with heavily-armed extremists. But they didn’t seem terribly inclined to put themselves in danger of getting arrested, and the few protesters who showed up, anywhere, were largely peaceful. But we’ve got to stay strong, and brave. I know. Easy to say when you’re sitting safely in Canada. Lessons from t’other side of the world One huge mistake the Middle East has made is to put their homegrown terrorists in control. People in Islamic countries are often afraid to speak out against terrorism, fearing the terrorists may attack their families or themselves. That’s a very real threat, and it’s why terrorism runs free in some parts of the Middle East. Too many governments tolerate it, either because they love it to squoodgy-woodgy pieces, or they at least partially agree with known terrorist groups, or because they’re simply afraid of them. On the other hand, popular terrorists could help them win whatever passes for elections in their countries if they play nicely. Citizens, too, have varying views on terrorism. Some fully support it, some not, and some sound as wishy-washy as America’s not-quite-racists: “You know I’m not a prejudiced woman but—” “I’m not a racist but—”. The gay Muslim writer, speaker, and Islam critic Irshad Manji has noted the same about wishy-washy Muslims. They announce they’re about to say something kinda pro-terrorist with something like, “I don’t support terrorism but—” I think we’re all guilty of this at times. I found myself thinking last year after a lefty went to assassinate Brett Kavanaugh (and lost his nerve), “Well what did you expect, MAGAts? You’re the role models, didja know guns shoot right as well as left? What’s it feel like to be on the other side of the gun barrel? You asked for this!” That’s not an acceptable response. It’s understandable, I think, but we have to be better than they. We have to hold ourselves to the same high standards to which we hold others. I agree with Michelle Obama’s statement, “When they go low, we go high,” at least up to a point. We do have to protect and defend ourselves, but we have to take the moral high ground on violence. We can’t debate whether it’s okay to punch a Nazi in the face. We can’t punch Nazis in the face. Not unless we’re defending ourselves against a proactive attack. It’s otherwise against the law. If there’s one area where Republican vision has failed, is its traditional respect for law ‘n’ order. It’s glaringly obvious which party now is more on the side of law ‘n’ order, however imperfectly and wishily-washily, today. Kudos to Joe Biden’s administration for having the balls and labia to go hard after everyone they were able to arrest in connection with the Jan. 6 attack. As of January of this year, close to 1,000 people have been charged and arrested for numerous attack-related crimes. Three hundred and thirty-five people have been sentenced and over 100 Congresspeople and others have been issued subpoenas, along with companies like Meta, Twitter and Reddit. Watching so many get arrested and subpoena’ed and testify under oath to lawyers much smarter than the ones who chose to represent Donald Trump may have dampened the enthusiasm of many to engage in anarchic destruction. There are undoubtedly many who are plotting something now, and may have the will to carry it out. But how many are willing to go to jail for it? Possibly far fewer. For many it will be just fantasy. We have to be vigilant for the ones for whom it isn’t. We can’t know whether extremist reticence is influenced by a desire not to rot in prison, or whether they’ve simply lost their will to be violent. Some may have moved on, accepting halfway through Biden’s term that Trump ain’t coming back. Nearly two-thirds of Americans not wanting him to be President again indicates he’s lost at least some of his base, like those who count themselves as ‘Never Trump’ Republicans. We have to take Trump and his base through the wringer of all the crimes of which he’s been accused, recognizing at the same time that if no one is above the law, everyone is also presumed innocent. We all have our personal opinions as to how true that is about Trump, but that’s how the law works. Due process is also for everybody. Democrats and liberals don’t have a great track record for being tough on crime and corruption. We’re pretty squishy on drawing moral lines in the sand and we’re as afraid of our own extremists and outrageous regressives as the Republicans and conservatives. While we watch a wishy-washy GOP try to find its balls and labia to just throw itself behind Ron DeSantis or maybe some other not-Trump candidate like Nikki Haley, Democrats and liberals twist themselves in knots whispering into the wind about whether medical-transitioning children or maybe MeToo accusations go too far. Speaking of going too far, why do we allow our own extremists to wield the cancel culture weapon as recklessly as a Gawd-Bless-’Murica thug swinging his mighty baseball bat on Jan. 6? We kowtow before our bullies just as Republicans and conservatives kneel submissively before their own. One wonders who Trump’s base will vote for if the Republicans just say, “Screw it, deal with it, people, we’re backing DeSantis/Haley/Herschel Walker’s favorite vampire, Trump is so over!” Will they vote Democrat? Or stay at home and sulk the way Millennials did in 2016 because their boy Bernie Sanders wasn’t the Democratic candidate? Remind me again, who won in 2016? We have got to send a strong message not just to Trump’s wannabe successors but also to his morally bankrupt and violent base: You are not above the law. Not your candidate, not his violent fanboys, not anyone’s. Not even a guy as rich and powerful as Donald Trump. Not even an ex-President. Let’s remember why the indictment of a former President is ‘unprecedented’. It’s because 49 years ago, President Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon after he resigned in disgrace in the Watergate era. It’s entirely possible Nixon would have been our first indicted, arraigned, and perp-walked former President had it not been for Ford’s pardon, widely credited with why he lost the 1976 race to Jimmy Carter. Yes, this may become an excuse for future Republicans to harass Democrat Presidents, ex- or otherwise, with the law. And Goddess knows how violent the rabble may get again under a Republican-dominated government. But this is on us, folks. We the people. We the voters. Will we let Republicans push us toward a failed state? Will we allow them to shred what’s left of our democracy? Will we continue to elect politicians who think payback’s a bitch, bitches? Consider this: The GOP hasn’t even attempted to launch an impeachment attempt against Joe Biden, after two attempts on Trump. They used to angle for it for Obama, who wasn’t tarnished by a fuckup kid with a drug problem and Ukrainian friends, or a penchant for starring in his own porn videos. But it went nowhere because there was no there there. I think liberal voters require at least a baseline decency in most of our candidates, along with a certain level of intelligence and competence we no longer see on Republican resumes. Although our candidates don’t necessarily score appreciably higher than the Republicans on the corruption-o-meter. What we lack is the gumption to pursue criminal charges against the other party, gumption the GOP has in truckloads. We let George Bush get away with what were likely war crimes, and twenty years later the Senate has repealed authorization for the Iraq War, 4,700 allied troop deaths and over 100,000 Iraqi deaths too late. Where the fuck was their resolution in 2003? Why wasn’t George Bush investigated for war crimes? Why didn’t we at least make the attempt? We let him get away with it. All of it. We empowered them to think they could get away with more. And they were right. I hope Trump’s indictment is a sign America’s liberals and progressives - the real ones, not our illiberal extremists—are ready to grow some balls and labia and do the right thing. Hold criminals accountable. Hold Trump accountable. Plan for how we’ll deal with future Republican witch hunts, and continue ensuring our own candidates don’t have fatal moral flaws or criminal tendencies. It’s up to us. We the people. It’s our country. All of us. Yes, even them. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

What makes us so sure *any* of us think critically about the ideas we consume? The Middle East looked pretty damned stupid to me, in the weeks and months after 9/11. The media spotlighted just how pervasive conspiracy theories were for the Islamic world, especially regarding Jews. Big surprise, that’s where the ‘Jews were behind 9/11’ story crawled out. Ha ha ha! Those Muslims looked so stupid! I know Americans believe some dumb shit, but we don’t believe shit THAT dumb! Down the rabbit holes I had a contentious conversation with a friend recently. Sam has always been an interesting conversationalist, more liberal than I, but customarily able to defend himself, with only occasional mild tinges of conspiracy thinking. In recent years, he’s begun to go down some rabbit holes. He thinks Building 7 near the WTC was brought down by explosives on 9/11 rather than having caught fire from falling debris. He thinks Jeffrey Epstein might have been up to worse than trafficking young women because he saw a photo of a backhoe on his property. “What was that backhoe doing there?” he demanded. “I don’t know, maybe he was building a swimming pool or something?” Sam suspected they were looking for bodies. “Whose? Women associated with him?” I hadn’t heard this allegation before but I hadn’t followed the Epstein saga that closely. “What else could it be?” “Backhoes are designed for construction. The most likely explanation is he was building something.” But, you know, I couldn’t say it wasn’t a search for bodies. “Are there any allegations of young women associated with him who’ve disappeared?” It was a perfectly sound question. Maybe there were suspicions Epstein had disappeared women, or the people around him. But Sam started yelling. “That question is OFFENSIVE! It’s OFFENSIVE! And I don’t want to talk about this anymore!” “It’s a perfectly legitimate question!” I protested. “I don’t know if he’s been accused of this or not. I’m asking: Are there allegations Epstein might have done this, or overseen it? Are there girls or women in his orbit who’ve gone missing?” He got angrier, didn’t answer the question and changed the subject, for the second time that evening, the first over Building 7. For reasons for which I am unclear, 9/11 conspiracy theorists are obsessed with completely unnecessary explosives. The image flashed through my mind of an angry little boy upending the checkerboard. The next day I researched Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged murder rampage (zero allegations, not even conspiracy theories), Building 7, and ‘why people believe in conspiracy theories’. While I was doing this, I was re-thinking my now ten-year friendship with Sam. I love him dearly, but in the last few years he’s gotten more easily triggered and prone to losing his temper. We’ve mixed it up a few times in the last few years, including sometimes over my behavior which was more hurtful to him than I realized. I was careful how I spoke to him that evening. I kept in mind some of his complaints about me and worked to make sure I didn’t repeat those mistakes. But I hadn’t asked offensive questions. I’d asked questions he couldn’t answer. There is such a thing as conspiracy There are genuine conspiracies, however loosely defined and perhaps collectively unconscious. Sam’s biggest conspiracy theory has a loose basis - how much the ‘1%’ control the world. Financial elites for certain have more power and pull than the rest of us, and we’re worse off for it. But Sam thinks it’s hopeless to fight them because they ‘control everything’. “Who shares the blame in allowing financial elites this much power?” I pointed out. “Who voted for them? For the politicians who support them? Who votes against their own interests over and over?” I was thinking of those gullible What’s The Matter With Kansas? Republican voters and more recent MAGAs, since liberals are less inclined to vote for guys like Trump or Bush. But to be fair, we Democrats and liberals voted for Barack Obama, who was forced to pay his dues for all the money he accepted from Big Finance by going easy on them during the Big Financial Collapse. The Clintons like their Big Money too. “You can’t say that! That’s blaming the victims!” Sam replied. “No, that’s acknowledging who allowed them to come to power,” I pointed out. “Voters. Maybe not you and I specifically, but others who voted for rich or paid-for politicians. They’re complicit. We’re all complicit. We’re all collaborators.” It’s hard to read Kurt Andersen’s excellent history and analysis (Evil Geniuses: The Unmaking of America) of how the Republican Party allied with increasingly conservative voices, powerful financial interests and later the far-right to take over and control large parts of the government, business, the economy and political discourse. Much of it started with the Reagan Revolution, undercover and happening in places most don’t see, like academia and the legal profession. But Americans voted for it. Famously, in a 1984 landslide election. “It’s blaming the victims,” he insisted. “The voters are accountable. Whether they vote or not. We have to demand better than we’re getting. We have to stop settling.” I wasn’t at all sure Sam voted at all, but I didn’t ask. The ‘1%’ has been ordering and reshaping the world, not so much to screw the rest of us as to benefit themselves. If you want to pull agenda-driven conspiracy theory into it, what they are aware of is they’re destroying society and the environment and making plans to remove themselves and leave the mess for us. There’s a new book about it. Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of the Tech Billionaires by Douglas Rushkoff Still, the 1% looms larger between Sam’s ears than my own. We disagree on how much control they have over the rest of us, and how much responsibility we share. He buys into a powerlessness that I don’t. Conspiracy theorists want answers, like we all do. But sometimes the truth is more boring, or it doesn’t feed their need to feel ‘special’, keyed into ‘the truth’ that the rest of us ‘sheeple’ ignore because we have too much faith in the ‘lamesteam media’. Well, I do consult the ‘lamestream’ media more than Alex Jones, but I check my sources with Media Bias Fact Check to gauge reliability. I also like Snopes, Politifact, and AP’s & Reuters’s Fact Checks. When I deal with conspiracy theorists like Sam, these are the four responses I offer to their common faulty logic: 1) ‘Connecting the dots’ Dot patterns aren’t evidence, merely the suggestion something might be going on. But you have to have proof. Sam confused ‘connecting the dots’ with ‘evidence’. When I’d ask for evidence he’d respond, “Don’t you think it’s weird that—” followed up with something like People said they heard explosions coming from Building 7 yet no one can find these people, and acoustics experts have determined such demolitions would have been heard by everyone in the neighborhood, not just one or two witnesses no one can find. 2) Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence If there’s no evidence to support the theory, discard it. Or put it on the back burner in case something new turns up. If anyone finds corpses on Jeffrey Epstein’s property, I’m happy to listen (and then Google). Holding my judgement on the still-highly questionable ‘lab leak in Wuhan’ explanation for the COVID pandemic. 3) The more people who are in on the conspiracy, the less likely it will remain a secret Look, Bill Clinton couldn’t even cover up a sexual affair and initially, only two people knew about it. Then his mistress blabbed to someone she thought was her friend and that ended in an impeachment. It would take considerably more conspirators - like, in the thousands - to engineer 9/11 within the American government. Do you think Bin Laden pulled it off in two weeks with twelve goat herders in a cave? He did not. His conspiracy was years in the making and even then the future terrorists left clues and hints something was up, but fortunately for them George Bush relentlessly failed to pay attention. There is no way someone ‘inside the job’ wouldn’t have sung for CNN by now. Probably several someones, each racing to be the first to publish their book. Had there been any evidence 9/11 was an ‘inside job’, putting the suspects in front of lawyers under oath would have revealed everything including where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Exhibit A: People spilling their guts for the Jan 6th committee. Exhibit B: Etc. etc. Fox News’s lies machine. We know about real conspiracies. Watergate. Iran-contra. The plot to kill Margaret Thatcher. The plot to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer. The plot to overthrow a fair federal election, conducted in plain sight on social media. You can’t keep real conspiracies secret. The truth always comes out. The more people who are in on it, the faster we find out. 4) What’s the motivation? What’s the point? What makes all this worthwhile? If George Bush had wanted to start a war with the Middle East for oil, couldn’t he have just invaded a country that hadn’t attacked us—oh, yeah, he did that, didn’t he. Except his first war was in Afghanistan, a country which has so little oil they don’t even make the top 100 oil producers. So his Grand Plan, apparently, was destroying the financial center of the United States with a ridiculous amount of needless roundabout complexity including an initial invasion of an oil-scarce country, and then finally Iraq, and I’m unclear how much oil we actually took from it. Then there are those pernicious alien bodies stored in a top-secret military facility somewhere. There’s no way generations of military officers could know about this and not tell a soul. Even Mark Felt, ‘Deepthroat’, revealed his identity just before his death. Some dying general, somewhere, would have said, “The American people have a right to know about this. The aliens are in a meat freezer at Cape Kennedy!” And then kacked it. Why? Why, Sam? No one wants to think they believe something untrue, even though we all get hornswoggled sometimes. We all tend to forget whatever critical thinking skills we have when we’re emotionally bound to a belief that would harm our self-image if we acknowledged the unthinkable: We were wrong. According to a Scientific American article, there are a number of psychological factors that incline people toward conspiracy thinking. These include: Frightening global events. Research consistently shows how much anxiety fuels conspiracy thinking, especially when coupled with feelings of disenfranchisement. Conspiracy theories can alleviate those feelings if one believes in a mysterious ‘they’ behind it all. Then one need not contemplate the evil of fellow human beings, random events, or whether one is personally or collectively responsible for driving any of it Political power. If your side isn’t in power you might be more inclined to theories about the other one (this goes for everyone) Control. The more or less control you feel over your life feeds whether you buy into conspiracy theories, or how much Feelings of rejection. Feeling like an ‘outsider’. The more isolated one becomes, the fewer avenues of logical thinking can penetrate, especially when one is in government-mandated lockdown and one’s primary companion is social media. The article describes a ‘conspiratorial double whammy’ when personal alienation and anxiety combine with a sense society or the future is in jeopardy (the Wokes vs the MAGAs) Conspiracy theories might be mostly harmless, like freeze-dried aliens, but believing stuff without any facts or evidence behind it can incline one to believe crazier ideas like a stolen election. We’re watching the unfolding timeline of Fox News and how its willful, ratings-driven agenda to draw back their factphobic audience drove the violence on Jan. 6. We can’t vote intelligently, if we vote at all, if we can’t comprehend real-world explanations. We put ourselves and our families at risk when we believe anonymous strangers and an idiotic president over medical experts when the latter tell us to get vaccinated against a killer virus rather than consume horse de-wormer. How can you behave like a responsible citizen, if you really believe liberals are baby-eating Satan worshippers? How are you hurting the country if you encourage distrust of the government by promoting ludicrous alternative explanations for a nationally traumatic historic event? Unproven, fear- and anxiety-based beliefs have real-world consequences. Bill Maher traces it uncomfortably for many back to religious belief, and it’s hard not to acknowledge he’s got a bastard of a big point. Plenty of carte-blanche religious beliefs are bugshit insane if you look at them with, you know, a critical eye. QAnon plays into peoples’ brains because it’s based on, and ergo specifically feeds into, religious belief. The lie the rest of us tell ourselves is that ‘religious belief’ requires a belief in gods and afterlives. And that we’re, ergo, immune. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

The misogyny backlash is here. The government won't help. It's up to women to avoid violent men. Public domain photo by kalhh on Pixabay I wonder what would have happened if she'd listened to her big brother. I can't remember her name. I'll call her Alyssa. She was my then-boyfriend's younger sister. He didn't like her boyfriend. I do remember his name. It was Patrick. Ben told me about her as we drove to his company Christmas party, where I met Alyssa. He adored her and felt quite protective of her, and he wished she'd get rid of Patrick, who was too controlling and jealous. Patrick suspected every man of encroachment, and of course he scrutinized Alyssa's every move and glance. The next morning Ben called. "They had a fight last night," he said. "Patrick thought she was too flirty with other men. He beat her up and raped her." We drove to Alyssa's friend's place where she'd spent the night. Alyssa was curled up on the friend's couch who immediately signaled for us to be quiet. "This is the first sleep she's had all night," she said. We sat down. A few minutes later, Alyssa began struggling and crying. She wept and pled and curled up tighter. "Please stop, don't! No, please don't!" she sobbed. I have never forgotten her rank fear that morning as she relived the attack in her dreams. Or wondered how anyone can assault anyone who's begging and pleading like that. The police couldn't locate Patrick. He'd escaped to Florida. As of a few years later they hadn't found him. It wasn't Alyssa's fault she got assaulted and raped. It happens rather a lot. But what has always bothered me, along with similar stories, is why she didn't listen to her big brother, and others who might have been warning her Patrick was dangerous. She ignored the #1 red flag It's so tediously predictable. I no longer care anymore why women stay in abusive relationships. Let's learn to avoid them! There's a dating Best Practices beginning with recognizing the early red flags. It's up to women to end male power over women. It's up to us to protect each other, and ourselves. The government's priority to protect women has never been what it should be, regardless of who's in power. We're sorely in need of more discussion and advice on how to avoid bad relationships, period. Here's my expertise: I've never been in an abusive relationship. So who the hell am I to give advice to abused women? Because I know something they don't know: How to avoid abusive relationships. An ounce of prevention, right? I want to see domestic violence shelters disappear. Not because Republicans destroyed them, but because they're no longer needed. I want to see women decide for themselves to stop shagging abusive men. It only encourages them to remain abusive; it's a time-honored effective way to control one's partner. Here's The Number One Red Flag women shouldn't ignore but, like Alyssa, do. I'm going to put it in huge red letters to make everyone crystal clear on this. The moment a man tries to control you, tries to tell you what to do, you come down on his ass like Homer Simpson on doughnuts. I've only had to do it once, when I was twenty. I forget what some guy told me I wasn't going to do. I replied, "Oh yes I am! You do NOT tell me what to do, understand? You do NOT order me around!" I don't know if he was a potential abuser. Not every man who likes control is, but I fully embrace my agency and self-determination. A man needs to understand he's not allowed to dictate to you, and he's out the door if he persists. He's not good enough for you. So many times over the decades I've said to women whose boyfriends or partners were controlling, "Why do you let him get away with this? You need to be careful, these guys can turn abusive." I hope for their sake he didn't. It doesn't always. But isn't feminist empowerment all about making choices? I have always chosen not to allow controlling men into my life. Ergo, no abusive partners. I have my mother to thank for that. Prevention, etc... When the pandemic began in the spring of 2020, domestic violence advocates warned of heightened danger to women experiencing Intimate Parter Violence (IPV) with lockdown forcing abusers and victims into a 24x7 danger zone. To no one's surprise, domestic violence and femicides shot up in the last two years and shelters were overwhelmed. I remember thinking: Damn, I'll bet they wish they'd left sooner. Sooner is better when it comes to IPV, but many women wait until it's too late. The abuse descent, one step at a time. Photo by sagesolar on Pxhere Meanwhile, the authoritarian War on women, led by American Republicans' example, circles the world. The U.S. Violence Against Women Act was signed into law by Bill Clinton in 1994, and a year later Republicans tried to cut funding. It's had spotty support in recent years. It expired during the last Republican (natch) shutdown, was temporarily reinstated, and shut down again. Democrat or Republican, Libertarian or contrarian, liberal or conservative, feminist or misogynist, men are never going to care as much about women's safety and protection as women. We can't rely on The Government Patriarchy to protect us. Victim feminism sure as hell won't, with its incessant post-modernist navel-gazing blather about intersectionalism and power and its utterly defeatist whine that 'It's not our job to protect ourselves, it's men's job to stop raping/hitting/stalking!' Women with a desire to not get raped or beaten can make a commitment to themselves not to tolerate controlling, and especially jealous, behavior in a man. Long before he gets to the partner stage. Women have THE POWER The obnoxious question "Why doesn't she leave him?" strikes a nerve in victim feminists. They recognize the implicit acknowledgment: She has a choice. Or did. Maybe she still does. We must ask that question much earlier, when he's acting like Patrick before events get critical. Here's what might have happened had Alyssa left Patrick before that fateful night. She had a burly big brother who engaged in muscular sports and would have happily kicked Patrick's shrimpy little ass had he hassled his sister. Had Patrick murdered her, Ben might well have followed him to Florida. Not every woman can't leave. Young women don't always listen to wiser voices. They're still young enough to think they know everything. They think they know him better than others, are overly compassionate, hope to 'fix' him or have other mystifying reasons for allowing controlling, potentially abusive men into their lives. According to Ben, he and Alyssa grew up in a loving single mother home after their father died. He described their family life as warm and loving and I observed nothing to challenge that. Alyssa wasn't beaten or abused growing up, but for some reason she found Patrick's jealous, controlling behavior acceptable, if unwelcome. It was the '80s. We weren't as sophisticated about relationships as every succeeding generation becomes, and maybe Alyssa's mother didn't drum it into her head she should never tolerate abuse. My mother would have had plenty to say if I'd brought a Patrick home. So would my father. Sometimes women learn the hard way they should have listened. Make no mistake: It's always a choice. It may be an ignorant, uninformed headstrong choice, but it's still a choice. Instead of pretending it's not, let's be proactive with ourselves and each other, and especially the girls and young women in our lives, and make sure they know the score. Maybe the first time she gets into an abusive relationship will be the last. Not every woman gets primed for further abuse. I've known women who said after the first time, "Never again!" THEY MADE AN EARLY CHOICE. Every Republican an incel! Here's some good news from one quarter on how things have improved since Alyssa's and my day: Trump-loving young men are unhappy that liberal women don't want to date them. Good job, ladies! Let's Drive Republicans To Extinction! Seems liberal women eschew Republican, especially Trump-loving men because their values don't match up, and I hope they also recognize that today, a man who still supports the Republican Party is a man who may very well harbor repugnant ideas about women. Identifying misogyny is difficult for many women, and victim feminism has muddied the definition to embrace anything annoying about men. There's a palpable sense of phallophobia in their mountains-out-of-molehills hysterics. Every interaction with a man turns into an Epic Battle With The Patriarchy. Discriminating against Trump lovers is a great way to avoid potentially abusive men, since the Republican Party has given itself over to rank bigotry and misogyny. It's interesting how Donald Trump, but not Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden, broke up marriages, families and friendships. Let's not assume lefty boys are by definition misogyny-free. [See also: Misogynist 'Bernie bros'] But it illustrates a great point: Toxic masculine subcultures are herds to watch out for. These include: Sexist, misogynist religions and cultures Sports (male athletes have a long ugly history of sexual assault) Muscleheads/gym rats The military Affluent, rich, men (white men are especially prone to this, but wealth [green] privilege works for everyone who has the green) Homophobes. Underlying genuine homophobia is rank misogyny offended that a man would let another man 'treat him' like a woman (And what's wrong with penetrative sex, exactly?) Men who fetishize women of other races Not every man in these groups is a misogynist or a beater, but one must be especially wary and come down hard on any early misogynist treatment. But hey, you don't have to listen to me. What would I know about abuse, having never been abused myself? Would you rather listen to Dina McMillan, a domestic violence social psychologist who's worked with over 600 abusive men, who says she can train women in two hours to avoid a lifetime of abuse? How to not get abused You decide Three waves of feminism have failed to address the missing piece to the IPV dynamic: The elements in female psychology, apart from or missing a history of dysfunction, that encourage some women to allow abusive men into their lives. As Dina McMillan notes, we need to impress this upon young girls and teens. My mother did, when I first showed interest in boys. She didn't want me to get 'played', a word that didn't exist back then, and she didn't want anyone pressuring me into sex and perhaps leaving me with a baby. She wanted me to have happy, functional relationships and impressed upon me that it's always a woman's choice to stay. That's how I know something that a lot of abused women don't know: If you listen to trusted adults wiser than yourself, you can avoid a lifetime of pain and suffering. Not everyone has my mother, but she's my hardcore evidence that IPV perpetuates because women don't recognize the primary early warning sign. Let's review: Capiche? Public domain background image by geralt on Pixabay My experience with Alyssa demonstrates there was something in her psychological makeup that allowed her to keep Patrick in her life despite a trusted older brother telling her otherwise. I wouldn't be surprised if there were others. Some women have to learn the hard way. Some women learn their lesson the first time. Time for feminist response for growing IPV to become more proactive, rather than reactive. 'Don't blame the victim?' Don't BE the victim. It's your choice! Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. 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With emotional AI, we won't need you either, boys. But will it solve our problems, or make us more miserable? He's everything you always specified in a man. CC0 public domain on Pxhere The catalog entry depressed me: Sex dolls programmed to repeat back what he says. What sort of man might buy such a thing? He must be, I imagined, a romantic loser, unable to get a woman, jacking off into this objectified vague facsimile, all wide open, dead-staring eyes, outfitted with a perpetually-ready open mouth and a few other designed-to-feel-real holes. What saddened me wasn't that the man might tell the doll, 'Fuck me harder! Fuck me faster! Oh God, Billy, you're the best!' I imagined him saying, "I love you," just to hear the words. The Stepford Spouses A friend and fellow writer has written about 'digisexuality' and pondered the benefits of sex toys, holograms, and far more digitally sophisticated sexbots than the products I saw in the old catalog. Dr. Mehmet Yildiz (you can follow him here on Vocal) ponders the healthful, helpful applications of digisexuality in his thoughtful piece on Medium: Can Digisexuality Be Part Of The Rainbow Of Human Sexual And Emotional Experience? Dr. Yildiz asks for a rational, compassionate approach to evaluating the ethics of digisextech and enumerates the many ways it might benefit humanity. Benefits? Well...uh, okay, maybe? I've lived long enough to witness technology, with the help of a global pandemic, slowly dissolve human ties, allowing us to move to where we can soon say the hell with it, I'm tired of trying to please wo/men, I'm going to buy me a robo-lover! Perhaps The Stepford Wives is here: We can program a robot to be the wo/man we always wanted, rather than having to deal with the messy emotions and needs of independent thought in another. A reasonable facsimile of how they appeared in the 1975 movie about custom-designed robot wives catering to feminism-resistant husbands in a small New England town. Public domain photo from Picryl Chads rule, and incels drool For some, a robot may encapsulate their Perfect Partner: Sexually available at all times, always says yes and never argues with or challenges him. Research indicates not only are men more willing to shag a robot, over forty percent believe they could fall in love with one. It's classic 'man box' thinking for those who prefer never to address or even acknowledge their inner emotional life. Researchers on the 'man box' effect, the 'norms' and stereotypes of emotion-starved masculinity, connect it to harmful effects on men and their social relationships. Scoring high on the 'man box' scale correlates to higher levels of violence, sexual harassment, and bullying, not to mention, for the men themselves, elevated levels of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and other mental illnesses. Rather than challenging themselves to learn social skills, some believe they'd be happier with something that looks like a woman, but isn't a woman, especially in the way its only concern is your happiness. Joaquin Phoenix's character falls in love with Samantha (Scarlett Johansson), an AI virtual assistant in the 2013 not-too-distant-future movie Her. For those who can't completely eschew 'meatspace' lovers, this uber-sexualization/objectification may encourage misogyny and violence against human women even more than the rise of violent porn. Porn has been correlated to increased misogyny and sexual violence including out-of-the-blue violent practices during otherwise consensual sex including choking, slapping and hitting, which comes as quite a surprise to female Tinder 'hookups' who weren't expecting it. Dr. Yildiz theorizes sexbots could solve the problem of 'incels' and other socially-challenged young men. It's one thing to want to try a sex robot - and a few women do too - and quite another to want to replace an actual human being. Incels' rage stems from their entitlement to beautiful women only the 'chads' seem to get; it's not the human being that matters, it's the 'arm candy'. See what I can get that you can't, loser? I fuck her every which way I want and she never says no, or at least so you imagine, Beta Boy! When anyone can buy a hot, compliant sex robot, where's the status? Christopher Walken explains how to create the perfect woman in the 2004 remake of The Stepford Wives. Would these men truly be as happy with fembots as they think? Human beings aren't designed to connect this way with technology. Our brains have evolved out of caves to adapt to cultural and environmental conditions through language and cooperation. It's how we've survived to become THE most dominant species on Earth. What do fembots, then, mean for men's mental and emotional health? Romantic problems are rooted in underlying emotional and psychological problems that are best addressed with therapy or pushing one's self to grow and reach greater emotional capability, rather than less. The underlaid and underloved Supreme Gentleman settles into manchildhood with a fake girl, knowing in his heart of hearts she doesn't love him because she can't. Maybe they have something in common. Neil Strauss's pickup artist's Bible on how to con women into bed, The Game, notes how PUA culture teaches men how to mindlessly fuck women, until the day they fall in love or want to settle down. One PUA trainee he met learned the tactics so he could get married, and he did. Except he'd only learned sexual skills, not relationships skills, and his ended in divorce. Some men think sex on demand with all the beautiful women they want is the answer to all their problems. But Strauss detailed his own mentor's descent into a nervous breakdown and serious mental illness after he'd neglected his emotional life for too long. Incelibacy and aging pickup artists are still male entitlement thwarted. Real women will remain the ultimate prizes, still denying incels the status of their approval and acceptance. What's worse, everyone will know his ugly truth no matter how convincingly human his 'girlfriend' is. They'll know 'her' by the way she acts toward him. As women continue to grow and evolve, others will know he can't get a real woman by the deferential way she treats him. What about Data for women? Lt. Tasha Yar : What I want now is gentleness. And joy... and love. From you, Data; you are fully functional, aren't you? For the precursors of our future man/fembots, today only 5%-10% of RealDoll(tm) customers are women. Women don't need robots, or prostitutes, or RealDolls. Women can get laid any time, any place. We control the p--sy, the root of historical misogyny and male obsession with domination. Make my manbot a little more tan and with some eye color, please! CC0 2.0 photo by Rhea C on Flickr But what if male robots were designed for what women want? What if their AI met the emotional needs today's men too often can't or won't? Israeli researchers found that people can respond emotionally to robots. Subjects in one study were instructed to tell a personal event to a small desk robot. Half received emotional responses, the others didn't. The participants with the responsive robot developed a desire to have the robot companion with them in a stressful situation, like meeting potential romantic partners. They also smiled at it more, exhibited positive body language and made 'eye contact'. A truly emotional AI could render men fully obsolete, which they already arguably are, sexually. What if a manbot could be programmed not just as the perfect sexual partner, operating on your schedule, always hard when needed, never pushing you to try anything you don't want to, but primarily, provide the emotional support many men can't? What if a manbot hugged you and kissed your cheek without hoping it would lead to sex, who listened to your problems and knew when to suggest solutions, and when to be empathetic because he understands some problems have no answers, like how to get along with your difficult family? How about one who never hits you? Needs a manbot. Photo by Alex Green from Pexels What if he was programmed to be deeply in love with you and never get bored and chase other women? Would that make women any happier than men with fembots? Love, not actually Women might easily fall in love with an emotionally intimate manbot. But is it real, fulfilling love? Manbot or fembot, how long can you convince yourself this 'love' is 'just as good as a human' until the truth comes out in the form of a mental breakdown? Perhaps humans might find, in the darkest part of the night, that only human love, love earned, and maintained, truly means anything. Fake lovers don’t bode well for our already divided society. We’re falling apart socially, self-tribalized by politics, race, gender, preference/identity, even what color a silly dress is. Separating is NOT what nature intended. We're designed to be social creatures, and between the rise of the Internet and the pandemic, we’re all devolving, but men may be losing ground even faster. Escape from the 'woman box' has been a 150-year journey at warpspeed. Feminism is the change agent for the default system, patriarchy. Since the inception of First Wave feminism, women have driven change while men play catchup. Partnership is falling out of favor, primarily because women don't like what's available anymore. Women are turning to each other, either for friendship and support they can't find with a man, or for love and sex. Ad hoc lesbianism. Mental illness has skyrocketed in the pandemic, in tandem with alcoholism, substance abuse, suicide, and most of all, epidemic levels of loneliness. All these dysfunctions were on the rise before it was mass-accelerated by a virus, once we were prohibited from going to work if our jobs could be done from home. Connecting with our co-workers on Zoom doesn't provide the same camaraderie joshing together in the conference room did. We can't see our families at the holidays, but if we can, we argue over masks and vaccination status. We have to remain six feet from each other at certain public 'levels'. We can't even hug our mother because it might kill her. The human disconnection technology wrought since the mid-'90s has made us all harder, less empathetic, and brought out an inner psychopath many didn't know they possessed. Faceless trolls and stalkers harass, dox, and threaten through technology while others ruin lives and reputations with fanatical 'cancel culture'. What does this mean for humans? Technology, so far, has a piss-poor record on improving human relationships. The connection between social media and mental illness is well-documented, especially for super-digital later Millennials and Gen Z, and Netflix's much-discussed documentary The Social Dilemma which explored how companies like Facebook devised ever more-addictive algorithms to keep people scrolling, watching and engaging. But, not necessarily in a positive, socially improving manner. The revelations in The Facebook Papers describe how unhealthy, mentally debilitating content was pushed at anorexic teens, radicalized others, disseminated misinformation and conspiracy theories about elections, vaccines and the pandemic, enabled hate speech and consistently made puny efforts to stop verbal and psychological abuse on its platform. It's so much easier to be a dick when you're not sitting in front of someone in physical space watching their face when you call them a dumb ignorant c--t. Technology often makes us stupider, and unquestionably a lot meaner. Humans don't like to move outside their comfort zones, insulated within their safe space social bubbles. Why challenge yourself to see things from other perspectives when everyone you know believes you're all 100% correct about some political candidate or cause, so why bother questioning why others might legitimately feel differently? We know the answer already, right? It's because they're STUPID! And EVIL! This is why I fear the xbots. They won't make us better human beings, they'll trap us all into perpetual childhood, wanting others to serve us and the hell with what they want. Learning social skills to find yourself a genuine woman who wants to have sex with you, or a man who truly loves you, gives one valuable skills they can use elsewhere, working with others, learning to compromise, and even seeing that their way isn't always the best way. Feminist growth may be equally stunted by manbots programmed never to hit. How does a woman ever learn to stand up for herself, get out early, take charge of her life, and utilize that much-vaunted female agency to decide who she'll allow into her life, and to eject early anyone who doesn't treat her right? Learning to stand up for yourself in romantic relationships gives you the resilience and strength to stand up for yourself elsewhere. Buying a manbot who never challenges you locks a woman into permanent little-girlhood, with a bot who might 'take care of' her, but she's still weak, passive, and earning below-average pay because she's too afraid to state why she's worth more, and press her boss about it. Since the Pill-led Sexual Revolution of the last sixty years, women have finally experienced a desperately-needed boost to exploring sexual desires and personalities they'd been forced to repress, ignore, and feel ashamed about for thousands of years. Fifty years ago, a woman exploring multiple partners was slut-shamed; even so today, although now more women are willing to push back and read books called The Ethical Slut exploring and justifying polyamory in relationships. And hey, 'slut' can be lobbed pejoratively at men now, too. When men brag about being 'sluts' a woman can respond, "Ewww, AIDS bait! Nah, I want someone without a diseased dick." Women have been trapped in a sexually restrictive 'woman box', while men remain stuck in an emotionally restrictive 'man box'. A successful 'masculinism' movement is much-needed, but too many efforts for 'men's rights' inevitably derail into whiny misogyny and privilege protection. A sincere 'masculinism' movement would explore how being a man, and masculine, can include emotional and self-awareness, contributing to a more enriched human being. The outdated 'man box' is an emotional chastity belt, inoculating men from personal and spiritual freedom. Don't touch this! I agree with Dr. Yildiz that 'partnerbots' (a word I just coined to embrace robots for sex and emotional intimacy) might have value but I'm not sure where it is, given our record so far integrating our lives with so-called 'social' technology. Ultimately, the only thing that will help humans relieve our desperate loneliness and need for love is to venture out of our respective 'wo/man boxes' and learn to accept each other with all our emotional imperfections. We are human, and the desire to go 'full automaton' is a fantasy frankly, directly out of the most autistic male data engineer's emotionally constipated brain. Like Elon Musk's. 'Neuralink' is more than a little disturbing coming from a guy who's plainly struggled with mental health issues in the last few years. No matter who you are late at night, lying next to your bespoke Significant Other, you will know, in your heart of hearts--s/he doesn't love you. Not really. S/he can't. S/he can fake it completely convincingly but s/he exists because you custom-ordered them. You can't get a partner on your own merits. You'd rather live with a machine than learn how to stand up for yourself. You have few social skills, so you have few friends. Turn to your perfect partner now and whisper, "I love you." This originally appeared on Vocal.media in February 2022. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

Your brain is like a computer network. One attacker can bring down the whole system if he finds your vulnerability first Image by GDJ on Needpix Even if a computer network is 99.5% secure, the remaining vulnerabilities can be exploited by ‘bad actors’. A network manager protects the system. Her responsibility is to ferret out vulnerabilities and patch them. If a cyber attacker finds one first he can exploit it and bring down the whole system. Her job just got a whole lot harder. She must recover the network and patch that vulnerability so it can’t be exploited again. Her employer doesn’t fire her, but there will be a meeting review to determine what happened, why it happened, and take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again. In the corporate world this is called mitigating future risk. If the employer is fair, he doesn’t blame the network manager, but she has to take responsibility. It’s possible she couldn’t have yet known about the vulnerability; responsible software providers alert network managers and provide a fix as soon as one’s available, but sometimes the bad actors find them first. In highly technical network security parlance, ‘Shit happens’. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault, but it’s still the network manager’s responsibility to patch it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The idea of addressing vulnerabilities in female psychology shuts some women down. They don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to think about it. And if you persist, they recite the holy mantra. The feminism police are looking for me. If her home had been robbed, her friends would tell her, “You need to install a good home security system.” If she’d gotten into a minor winter auto accident, her friends would say, “You should get snow tires.” If she’d lost her expensive sunglasses, her friends would suggest, “Put them in the middle pocket of your purse; they’re less inclined to fall out.” None of these responses indicate the woman is stupid or that it’s her fault. Maybe she thought her door locks were enough when they weren’t, or she erred in not investing in snow tires. Her friends’ suggestions imply she can take steps to mitigate the risk of a recurrence. A power move. Now just imagine if the network manager responded to her boss, “Why are you blaming the victim?” “I’m not blaming you,” the boss might respond. “I want to know what you can do to reduce the risk of a repeat incident. This I.T. post-mortem will investigate what went wrong and how you can protect the network better.” The psychological post-mortem and risk mitigation plan Sometimes women find themselves in toxic relationships. It happens, even to smart women. Instead of snapping, “Why are you blaming me?” she might ask herself, “What can I do better next time? Better yet, how can I avoid a next time?” All human brains have vulnerabilities that should be addressed and patched. Where have we ignored women’s as we focus on the man, the batterer, male privilege, male entitlement, etc.? I began patching my brain when I got into a car once with a guy I'd recently met who met my reticence with, "Oh, come on, it'll be okay." It was, until he was supposed to drop me off at my place. Instead, he drove into our building's dark underground garage and launched himself at me like a heat-seeking boobs missile. I got out okay, but I beat myself up for that. Why, oh why did I do such dumb shit? I was a tender young thing of---51! I wanted him to like me. I worried about his feelings, not make him feel like a pervert, or that I thought every man is a rapist. (They're not, but I met one who potentially was.) Wanting to be liked and being too concerned about others' feelings over your own personal safety are two of the most common, easily exploited vulnerabilities in female psychology. This particular vulnerability can be exploited by anyone. Even little girls know almost by instinct how to exclude, bully, and humiliate other girls who want to be part of the playgroup, the crowd, the clique, the tribe. Whole books have been written about this. Queen Bees and Wannabes, the basis for the movie Mean Girls. No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident and Compassionate Girls. Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades. Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying. Here’s an unpleasant thought: Maybe baby females unconsciously groom each other for future abusive relationships by exploiting that oh-so-critical desire to be liked and accepted and do what the other girls want so they’ll allow them the awesome privilege of playing with them and getting invited to their sleepovers. The female brain is wired side to side between hemispheres, which translates into more sophisticated emotional expression, communication and language, as opposed to men, whose brains are wired front to back. There’s more blood flow into the part of the female brain wired for emotion than there is in men’s, and our wiring is stronger for social cognition and verbal communication. We’re better-suited for establishing relationships and understanding how feelings work. Part of it is environment too, like culture, family, the society we live in, the values all those elements impart. Masculinity culture contributes by teaching baby males to ignore or hide their feelings, to pretend they don’t have them, period, which further tips the emotional and communication scales in women’s favor. Male & Female Brains: Are they wired differently? (Psychology Today) Because women know and value the importance of being liked and forging human relationships, women are also experts at exploiting that female vulnerability in each other. Just like boys do with their own vulnerabilities. It’s not all ‘the patriarchy’s’ fault. There’s a nasty emotional ‘gynarchy’ that starts in the sandbox. Potential future teen bitches and/or battered women of the future. Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International license. When rape is totally hot What if somewhere in female psychology is the deep-seated desire to be dominated by a man? “I remember a very aggressive and unpleasant letter from a self styled feminist telling me to stop with the Roquelaure [S/M fantasy] novels. She was horrified and offended that I would present women enjoying S&M. Feminism to me means supporting the right of women to do what they want, and that includes writing S&M pornography if they want, or doing the kind of erotica that Madonna did.” — Anne Rice interview on The Nerdist I disagree it’s our ‘role’, but why is rape literature so popular with women? Women show sexual preference for tall, dominant men — so is gender inequality inevitable? (The Conversation) I’ve written before about women’s contribution to ‘rape culture’ and in particular the disturbing popularity of the Fifty Shades and Sleeping Beauty ‘erotica’ series (rape literature is ‘erotic’ when women write it and ‘misogynist’ when men do). My pseudonymous fellow writer friend Louise Sawyer has written unapologetically about the prevalence of rape fantasies in women, and Googling ‘kink’ finds plenty of writers — almost entirely female — writing about the beauties of domination. Then there are 'gang bang' rooms in sex clubs where women can have sex with a conveyor belt of men, however with plenty of rules in place to ensure safety, consent and condoms. And maybe today, face masks. There’s nothing wrong with kink, BDSM, or acting out rape fantasies as long as it’s done in accordance with the rules. I don’t fault anyone for enjoying Anne Rice, E.L. James, or Rhett’s schlep up the stairs with Scarlett (still one of my own personal favorite rapey movie scenes). Since the misogynist tweeter quoted above identified a weakness in female psychology, if not necessarily its application, we must acknowledge there is in fact an attraction for a helluva lot of women to male domination. How that attraction is expressed is critical. It’s a potential weakness for exploitation, because women who enjoy a good old-fashioned Viking rape fantasy starring Chris Hemsworth may want to live the dream, but didn't know there were supposed to be 'safe words'. Rape fantasies aren’t real rape. They’re female-defined: He desires me so much, he’s so crazy in love with me, he can’t control himself. Even more important: And I want him too, even though I’m saying no for some contrived reason. She controls him, between her ears. In the real world, if that same guy tried to rape her, in the manner she imagined so many times, it would now be all about his contempt for her, his male privilege, his willingness to hurt and subjugate her and use her body for his own pleasure. It’s not sexy anymore when it’s rape on his terms. Several decades of rape-y bodice-ripping romance novels written by women, for women’s wanking pleasure, are a testament to the deep-seated attraction to being dominated by a man. Photo by John Rocha from Pexels It’s not wrong. Women aren’t bad people or bad feminists for wanting this. It’s simply a potential weakness in her psychology that could be exploited if she hasn’t defined for herself her boundaries, her values, her likes and dislikes, and how she wants to be treated. I keep coming back, in my head, to the tragic case of Nicole Brown. What bothers me about her story is the emotional vulnerability she expressed in high school, a few years before she met O.J. Simpson. During a class conversation on career choices, Brown said she aspired to marry a wealthy man. In other words, give up her power to him. There was one vulnerability, right there, she never addressed. Economic dependence is one of the primary attractions for abusive, controlling men. If you want to marry a rich man, just stick a label on your forehead saying Open to abuse, for the right price. Many years later, after Nicole had successfully left O.J. and he’d psychologically disengaged from her, she went after him again. Wanted him back. Pursued him. Got him back. But still nothing changed, or would ever change. She finally got it. She left him again. This time, he didn’t psychologically disengage. Nicole’s psychology was as screwed-up as O.J.’s. She put herself in danger. She was always willing to give up her power. She never addressed her prime vulnerability. You can call that ‘blaming the victim’, but I call it ‘neurosecurity management.’ Nicole didn’t learn from her mistakes and patch her brain, but others can. Never give up your power. Identify your own vulnerabilities. And patch them ASAP. This is article originally appeared on Medium, and then was republished on Vocal.media in March 2022. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

Dina McMillan's book offers rock-solid advice on how abusive men think and strategize, and how to avoid them Avoiding abuse is easier than leaving it. Photo by Marco Verch on Flickr Want to know what your abuser's really thinking while he's gaslighting, controlling, criticizing, and reminding you every single day how worthless you are, but how oh-so-lucky to have him, since no other man would? Do you wonder where your self-esteem of yore went, along with his promises of your rosy, blissful future together, 'You and me against the world,' not to mention the evaporated friendships he didn't approve of, along with your family? Dina McMillan's powerful book But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship was published in 2007 but few seem to have gotten the memo. It's THE book for women in, who've been in, and who have not yet entered manipulative, abusive relationships, yet in all the years I've argued with angry victim feminists and domestic abuse counselors since 2007 about the role of choice, no one's mentioned it. I've written about the importance of taking back your power and choosing better for the past three years, and not a single one of my critics has advised me to read this book. Do they even know it exists? If not, why? I had to stumble across McMillan's TED talk to learn about it. We could erase untold years of misery if every young girl and woman started with McMillan's paean to prevention. Based on her domestic violence work of over twenty years, the social psychologist and relationship expert's 2015 TED talk, Unmasking The Abuser, offers a thumbnail sketch of what abusers don't want women to know. She describes her epiphany, realizing domestic violence work was 'a hamster wheel, going around in a circle with no real progress.' One day, she identified the missing link: It's much easier to avoid abusive relationships than leave them, and she claims she can teach girls and women in two hours how to avoid a lifetime of heartache and pain. Get off the hamster wheel! Better yet, don't get on it in the first place. Photo by Marco Verch on Flickr I wonder if feminist willful blindness to But He Says He Loves Me is because it teaches women how to resume control by addressing the weaknesses in their own psychology rather than blaming men and patriarchy and reflexively responding with don'tblamethevictim. McMillan's consciously preventive approach rather than reactive response is the only resource I've found of its kind. Rather than cleaning up the female psychological Hurricane Katrina of a toxic relationship, McMillan's book encourages women to reinforce their walls early. Women and counselors who refuse to get off the hamster wheel function as essential, if unconscious, collaborators in preserving and partner abuse. The book's format is a bit confusing. Book 1 details how abusive men strategize against women from their standpoint and Book 2 speaks to women from McMillan's view. She advises them to read Book 2 first, since she felt it might be too disturbing to first read how easily a prospective predator can size up a target and manipulate her. In the hardcopy, the left-hand pages were Book 1 and Book 2 was on the right-hand pages. In the e-book, Book 2 follows Book 1 like with any normal book. Why not just make Book 2 Book 1? The rest details how women can reclaim control of their own hearts and minds. Or better yet, learn how to intelligently give only their heart in the future, and never their mind. McMillan's straightforward tactics and red-flag awareness empower women to identify and avoid these men, or get out early, before he destroys her. Book 1: The Abusers Handbook "Most information designed to help women with bad relationships starts too late. Those books offer to help you after you realise your relationship is crap." - Dina McMillan McMillan notes the pre-existing large body of information on violent relationships. This book is about emotional and psychological abuse only. It begins with a frightening journey inside the abusive manipulator's mind to detail how a toxic, controlling man thinks, how he views women, and how he utilizes female psychology to entice his target into a relationship ultimately intended to serve him, and only him. McMillan's re-creation of the abusive strategist's mind is based on interviews with several hundred abusive men who, as she states in her TED talk, were able to be perfectly transparent with her because they knew she was never allowed to tell on them. Ever. Speaking as the abuser, McMillan outlines: Men need to reclaim their 'rightful place' as leaders over women to restore the 'natural order'. The abuser must remember who is the important one--himself. Her duty, her very reason for existence, is to serve him and him only. She must always remember that his needs are more important than hers. Any protest or resistance on her part is simply the result of feminist indoctrination but if he perseveres, eventually she will come around to seeing things his way and love him more than ever. The abuser's success relies on a thorough understanding of female psychology, and particularly his target's. He succeeds when his knowledge of manipulation exceeds her ignorance in avoiding it. McMillan uses the word 'agree' here a lot, emphasizing the importance of understanding the element of choice on the victim's part. Book 1 details how to select his woman and the different types to choose from - the easy target versus the more difficult ones, including The Challenge, the one who's strong and independent. One way to capture and tame a wild feminist is to make his move when she's emotionally vulnerable from a divorce, job loss or other life event. What feminists call manipulation abusers consider an unkind word better referred to as smooth maneuvers. Harnessing a strong, independent woman involves more work but can provide great satisfaction in knowing she can be broken and ridden like a wild horse. Book 1 encourages a man to pay close attention to a woman's psychology to encourage her to open up to him and follow his 'gentle' instruction. This will "also persuade her to ignore suggestions from her own intuition or from her friends or family that could otherwise prompt her to question you or your motives." McMillan lists statements designed to make the woman feel good about herself. Here are a few: You're the most incredible person I've ever known. I'd love to take care of you so you'll never have to worry about anything again. You'll make such a beautiful bride. I can imagine what our children will be like. I've told you secrets I've never told anyone. [He hasn't.] I don't care about myself. You're all that matters. McMillan observes one way women open themselves to potential abusers by 'catalog shopping' - looking for qualities in a partner they themselves don't possess. They may want someone much more attractive, more educated, and of course, the time-honored siren call for bad relationships, wealthier. When the accomplishment levels are heavily lopsided, she'll be more inclined to defer to his assumed more considered opinion, and The Abusers Handbook encourages men to use it to full advantage. McMillan asks the critical questions women must ask themselves: Why is he not interested in someone on his own level? Why doesn't he value women from his own social/educational group? The loving 'great guy' changes over time as the woman completes her training. The Abuser's Handbook details an abuser's entrenched entitlement, stuffed to the point of bursting with strategies manipulative men utilize to navigate psychological weaknesses in general, and their target's individual psychology, based on close observation of what makes her tick, what touches her, and what she fears. The last is particularly important since it's the key control tool to lock and keep her in the relationship, along with its close second, financial control. Book 2: "But he says he loves me" The much lengthier part of the book helps women understand the abuser's push-pull psychological tactics, to better arm and inoculate against getting played, manipulated, or 'smooth maneuvered' at all. Women aren't taught to accept emotional abuse, states McMillan (although they could have been growing up), but they're taught to accept male authority, to await selection, and--in my own opinion, the most widespread and common damaging lesson--to "always be nice and give everyone the 'benefit of the doubt'." They're taught to accept 'dominant, masculine men.' Society trains men too. She offers as one example how a man stands at a supermarket checkout, idly perusing mostly women's magazines positioned to coax a woman to throw it in her basket for a special treat. What do the covers feature? How to be sexy and attractive to men. We self-objectify, which teaches men to do it too. When a woman resists her training, strategies employ her fears and insecurities to his advantage. The man can become emotionally distant, 'remind' her of her faults and insecurities (never let her forget them!), 'make himself scarce', or back out of something she wants to do. The punishments can become more severe later in the relationship, but the point is to reward submission and punish resistance. Women are trained at large, McMillan explains, to do whatever it takes to keep a romantic relationship and ignore a lot of red flags. Another way abusers control women is to get them to do things they don't like. Even if a woman agrees to everything he suggests, he must find something she doesn't like and train her to do it on demand without complaint. This includes, of course, sexual practices, and she must be entirely clear she must NEVER refuse him sex, the way he wants it, ever. McMillan notes, but doesn't identify as such, one way men gaslight themselves: From Book 1, The Abuser's Handbook: "She feels better when she knows her place in your life and does not worry about what you do elsewhere." If that were true, fewer women would seek to get out of these relationships. It's an identified weakness in the abuser's brain a woman can strategize against him. Are you expendable? How to become untameable The most critical section is the last where McMillan provides women their own strategies for avoiding these men, or simply drawing clear boundaries for a new partner. No one's perfect, after all, and some men aren't intentionally manipulative, so they need to understand how far they can go. She decides. McMillan notes a point I've been making for a long time: The woman must first give him the control. Embarking on a new relationship begins with choice. Women decide who they're going to allow into their lives and how they'll permit themselves to be treated. They may make those decisions from a position of ignorance, perhaps youth and inexperience, or clueless resistance to wiser friends and family, but ignorant choices are still choices, and now they can choose never to let it happen again. Once the target 'agrees' to be trained, the abuser teaches her to hand over her control in baby steps. It's why a critical early response for women is to stand up for themselves--something many women, even hardcore feminists, are uncomfortable with. I've heard numerous excuses and rationalizations from women as to why they can't stand up to some domineering man in her life, whether they're a partner, a boss, a friend or a family member. The 'what ifs' women submit to in their own brains are the difference between the men and the girls. Men commonly take more risks than women; they ignore the 'what if' and do it anyway. Sometimes they lose, but often they win, and the woman who submits to her 'what if' loses, every single time. The feminist mind's worst-case outcome resulting in injury or death for assertiveness is near-miniscule if the woman sets the rules before things go very far, and especially before she has sex with him. The abuser will resist her resistance, of course, and employ many manipulative strategies to get his way. His target can casually dismiss him when he criticizes or accuses her of something, or offer her own critique in return. McMillan notes a woman's not obligated to detail her every move, check in like he's her boss and tell him who she's with. When she wants to see her family or friends without him, she can state clearly and firmly good-bye and she'll see him later. The abuser subtly and overtly teaches the woman, even if they're married, she's always 'expendable'. Women can handle a red-flag man early on by making it clear he's expendable. It is, after all, early in the relationship, when they're exploring whether a future is possible. While expendability later in an established relationship is bullying and abusive, it's an important strategic weapon in the smart woman's arsenal for drawing boundaries for a merely insecure man, weeding out those who refuse to recognize them. McMillan notes, "If you do not allow yourself to care about his opinion of you, he will not be able to maneuver you. Keep this in mind, take a deep breath and walk firmly away." But what if he's overwhelmed her by 'love bombing'? Guess what, love bombing is much less effective when a woman knows her own boundaries and is willing to defend them. McMillan's book effectively arms a woman against this first shot across the bow. A good way to challenge him, McMillan states, is to ask him to do something outside his wheelhouse. Manipulators want to keep a partner away from the places where she shines and may receive approbation from others. He'll constantly 'challenge' her to 'grow' by doing things 'outside her wheelhouse' where he knows she'll falter and he'll shine. It's his turn to experience growth, and she can pressure him to do something where he'll feel like he's on uneven ground, and worse, she can 'lead'. The early stage of the relationship is 'make or break' time. He must capture her early or she'll decide he's too much of a pain in the ass and depart. It's critical for the woman to accept his little tricks as he continuously push-pulls what McMillan calls the 'sparkly scarf' trick, the 'illusionist' moving it back and forth to draw attention to keep her from noticing how the trick is done. 'Misdirection' is the secret to successful magic tricks, and it works very well in training someone to become submissive and compliant. The abuser offers positive reinforcement with one hand--compliments, nice dinners, faux support for her projects while subtly chipping away at her self-esteem with the other, since the only way to keep a woman is to remove any self-esteem she currently possesses. Are you in or out? CC0 2.0Photo by James Lee on Flickr Women must learn, McMillan says, "not to automatically associate certain actions with positive intentions." It's why women with low self-esteem are the easiest marks. What's most important for avoiding these abusive wastes of her value is not rationalizing away the early warning signs because he seems like such a 'great catch' in other respects, because he makes more money and she could live better than she does now, and because her girlfriends kind of envy her. But what about his critics? The ones don't like him, who say, "He criticizes you too much, and he was rude to the waitress the other night, and what's up with all the mother hatred, and why do you always have to do what he wants to do? You should stand up to him more!" How many women wait too long before they realized they should have listened? He does the research. Now it's your turn. You might be surprised to learn, McMillan says, that many of her abusive interviewees have read self-books on how to get their own way, including the Dale Carnegie classic How To Win Friends And Influence People. They keep up on all the latest information on coercive persuasion, hypno-persuasion, leadership and influence and even read books on abusive relationships to get more tips. Men who choose to manipulate and abuse are often the best female psychologists, except they use their knowledge for evil instead of for good. Women must do the same, and I'll address the best books for inoculating one's self against abusive manipulators in my next article. For women who've been in abusive relationships the book is a motherlode of critical insights into how a manipulative abuser's mind works, and why it works so well. Until women address the weaknesses in their own psychology they'll remain vulnerable to these emotional predations. There's new insight for everyone; I learned a few new things too. McMillan is 100% correct it's time for domestic violence experts and women to 'get off the hamster wheel' and begin making real progress again to reduce violence against women. We will never eliminate it entirely, like many other behavioral ills, but we can all make better choices to greatly reduce the opportunities for predatory, supremely entitled men to draw us into a relationship and slowly turn up the heat until it's too late. I've never seen any resource on abusive relationships as valuable as McMillan's book. Her tone is kind and compassionate, but she makes it clear no man takes control of a woman. She must give it to him. She makes a choice, at every step. It's time to get off the hamster wheel, and now. No more excuses. If you found this article valuable you might also like these: What If Women Refused To Shag Abusive Men? The #1 Red Flag Of The Abusive Man Do You Have A Thing For Abusers? This article first appeared on Vocal.media in March 2022. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!

Would they die with their bike grip-shaped dick in their hand? My fantasy of what a North American new-members incel convention will look like in the Rearing Twenties. Public domain photo by Piqsels Updated on May 5, 2022 to remove the f-word to make it more share-friendly. Alyssa Milano had a germ of a good idea last year when she suggested that American women cut men off from sex if they lost their abortion rights. I’m sure her comment was tongue-in-cheek, perhaps to remind men how those halcyon 1950s some of them long for also included less sex for unmarried men, as exemplified by like every Doris Day movie ever. Feminists noted it encouraged the stereotype that women control and use sex to manipulate men, while others pointed out the glaringly obvious: Women don’t want to keep it in their pants either! It’s a fair enough trade, though: If men decide what women do with their wombs, then women decide what they do with their dicks. Granted, it punishes women along with plenty of good men who don’t deserve celibacy just because the Trumpies are terrified of our Mighty Muffs. There’s a non-abortion-related tweak to this. It involves women manipulating men with sex, but why don’t we all just admit we’ve always controlled the nookie anyway. Men are wired to spread their seed, and we’re wired to be a lot more selective. Men can always take their own control and refuse to have sex with manipulative women. Anyway. I got to wondering: Why do women have sex with abusive men? What message does it send when a man whacks a woman around but she still has sex with him later? If he hit her before they became intimate, why’d she ever shag him in the first place? Hell, with men like that, once they shag you they think they own you. ROTLFMAO! 'Not have sex with manipulative women'! I kill me, I absolutely kill me!!! What if she Just Said No to shagging abusive men? What if all women did? Just imagine a world in which O.J. Simpson couldn’t get any. Or Mel Gibson. Sean Penn. XXXTentacion, whoever that is. Ray Rice. Chris Brown. Jose Canseco. Johnny Depp. (Yeah, Johnny Depp. Don’t have sex with him.) But nooooooo, O.J. Simpson’s world is full of women who want to shag his murderous ass, and then are surprised when he acts like a crazy mofo. I just started reading Hunter S. Thompson’s book on the Hell’s Angels and he quotes one of them as saying that plenty of women come around all the time trying to get down with the world’s most notorious gang. I believe him. It’s true. The world is far too full of women willing to reward and encourage violent bad boys. Feminists say we should focus on men’s behaviour rather than women’s, since it’s men who make the choice to be abusive. That’s true. But so far it hasn’t eliminated abusive men. I think they need to be incentivized. I say hit ’em where it hurts. Figuratively speaking. I would never advocate violence against someone else, even if she had a reasonable chance of kicking his ass with her amazing Buffy or Xena powers. A guy can still choose to be abusive, but get a lot less tail if he does. In the Middle East, where access to women is severely restricted in many places, men have to turn to each other for sexual gratification. We should call our new decade the Rearing Twenties, because abusive men will have to give it and take it up the rear if they’re going to get any action at all. Hey, lots of men want anal! Here’s an abusive man’s opportunity to explore this practice in-depth. Or, they can learn to love scratchy blowjobs. And this is always a default option. Creative Commons CC0 from Peakpx This is an opportunity for some of those angry incels. With less competition from violent dickwads, they stand a better chance with women, if they’ll clean up their acts a bit and maybe learn a few social skills and fight the same body image problems women suffer from. They don’t need implants for a manlier jaw any more than a woman needs a boob job. I’ve lurked in a few incel forums, and some are actually kind of cute, but they don’t see it, just like pretty women who scrutinize themselves and see nothing but flaws. Feminists’ fantasy is that if we berate men enough they’ll stop abusing women. Good luck with that. I say, let’s motivate them better. Let’s refuse to have sex with abusive men with a One Strike principle. The first time he hits you is his last. He never sees you naked again. Or ever, if it hasn’t happened yet. Then we spread the word to others so they know not to do the nasty with him either. I wonder how long violent men would stay violent if it directly impacted their access to vagina? I know. It’s not realistic. But it’s my fantasy. And in my fantasy world, abusive men can’t get laid. Ever. They evolve into civilized human beings, or they die with their bicycle grip-shaped dick in their hand. And the good guys laugh between grunts and groans. This first appeared on Medium in 2020. Did you like this post? Would you like to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far over my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a post!