How to Approach Women in Public: 3 Rules to Avoid Rejection
- May 2
- 8 min read
These simple rules will dramatically improve your odds (and save you from unnecessary rejection)
In this guide, you’ll learn:
The 33-Minute Rule: Why your appearance is your best “opening line.”
Reading the Room: How to spot facial cues and “stop signs” before you say a word.
The Exit Strategy: How to handle rejection (or “drama queens”) with your dignity intact.
I don’t fault a guy for trying.
Last summer a man ran across the street to catch up with me. I cut to the quick— “If you’re hoping for a date, I’m seeing someone.” His face fell and I added, as I often do, “I think it’s great that you took the initiative to do what you did. It’s flattering. I hope you’re more successful next time. Keep trying!”
He saves face, he receives honest praise from someone who just rejected him, and encouragement. His timing was terrible, not his fault: I was on my lunchtime break, and had less than ten minutes to get back to my desk. I hate making snap decisions. If I have to, and these guys always force me, the answer is invariably NO. He was too young for one thing, and, I’ll be honest, clearly from a culture with famously limited romantic skills. Mostly, I’m skeptical of younger men because they’re never looking for a relationship—with me.
Had I had a little extra time, I might have chatted for a bit. Women need to get to know you first. This is a major reason why the ‘cold approach’ often fails.
But first, let’s start with a dating etiquette baseline for gentlemen wanting to approach strangers they find attractive.
You’re not a bad guy for trying to get a date
The universal, organic truth about life: It exists to mindlessly perpetuate more life. Unicellular organisms and bacteria split themselves. The other 99% of life on earth is male and female, sometimes hermaphroditic, but always designed to perpetuate life.
Males and females, in the flush of youth, are designed to dig each other, and to hook up, fall in love, and make babies. The traditional rules and guidelines may be supremely messed up right now, but heterosexuality persists. For those of you who aren’t hetero, it’s okay, you’re outliers. The human race won’t die out. Don’t listen to J.D. Vance.
Life has only one objective, and it doesn’t care about your identity or your politics.
Now, let’s talk about you, Hot Stuff!
The only two things that actually matter
The gentleman who sprinted through traffic sure got one thing right: He was dressed decently, in office clothes. Celeste Davis put it succinctly in her excellent Substack article about why dating is so hard, especially for men who, she argues, backed up by a lot of research, need women more than women need men, and always have.
Women spend an average of 33 more minutes per day than men each day on their appearance. But given who should be trying to impress who more, it should be just the opposite.
Men should be the ones who take an hour pruning, shaving and beautifying before dates while women should be the ones rolling out of bed a few minutes before.
First lesson: Look better
Cold approach: This is critical. Work with what you’ve got, even if you’re average-looking. Dress decently, stylishly (for yourself!), get a flattering haircut. Never be the least attractive guy in the room. First impressions matter.
This is something I will probably have to repeat until the end of time, even though it’s an easy hack, since most men will never do it.
Once you’ve stopped looking like every other faceless Average Joe, there are strategic ways to approach women you’d like to get to know with reduced drama risk.
Second lesson: Be aware
You must pay attention to social cues. What’s she doing? If she’s scrolling her phone, she’ll likely be less amenable to an intrusion. Is she facing away from others even if not on her phone? Also not an open sign. Is she wearing earbuds? If she removes one and listens to you, move forward. If she brushes you off, move on.
Does she look like she’s in a good mood? If she’s frowning or pissed off, don’t approach. Ergo:
Pay attention to facial cues
You seek that quick smile of unconscious recognition when she first glances at you that she finds you attractive in some way, but don’t fret if you don’t get. It’s why you need to look better. Since Average Joes would be hard to pick out of a police lineup, a fleeting smile leaps the first hurdle. But, she may have a partner already, or she’s not on the market for some other reason. It’s not a stop sign. Try chatting with her anyway, because The Smile might come shortly. Don’t spend too much time if she’s only being polite or exhibits signs of annoyance or discomfort; move on.
Now:
How to chat her up without blowing it
Start a conversation. You won’t always be successful, even if it sounds natural, as it must. It may be difficult, given the environment. Pay attention to facial and social cues.
Last year a guy approached me commenting, “Hey, I like your sunglasses!” Lucky for him, I was trying to meet guys with my wild ‘n’ crazy conversation starter. Also, he was cute. If he’d looked like Mr. Blends-Into-The-Woodwork I probably would have kindly brushed him off. I’ve given the Average Joes plenty of opportunity to disabuse me of the lesson they taught me long ago: If they look boring, they are boring. Men who don’t take pride in their appearance send the message they’re unserious or apathetic about finding a partner. If they are serious, they work to make the best impression they can, rather than aimlessly casting their line into the water looking for someone who’s also willing to settle.
Don’t comment on her clothes if they’re commonplace. This guy observed a clearly outstanding accessory. If they were average sunglasses I would have said “Thank you,” and kept walking.
But if the object of your affection wears something attention-worthy, comment on it! Say, “I agree!” with a big smile, pointing to her slogan button. Or, “OutRAAAAAAGeous shirt!”
Sunglasses Guy got twenty minutes of my time before I cut the convo short, and if he hadn’t asked for my phone number I would have asked for his.
What men relentlessly don’t understand is that women need a little time to get to know you. I quite comfortably generalize here.
It’s not misandry, guys. Danger is our lived reality. It’s mind-boggling how few men understand this. “Come on, get in the car, I’ll take you up to the mall, you don’t have to wait for the bus!” “No thank you,” she says. “What’s the matter? I won’t hurt you!”
“Come on, I’m a violent serial rapist! I’ll drop you off at the mall!” said no stranger ever.
If she scooches away from you—LET IT GO.
It’s frustrating, but it’s better than making her fearful, and it’s not important whether her discomfort is you, wokeness, some past trauma or she has a boyfriend. It’s a negative signal to move on.
Make it natural. Ask for directions. You might get that fluttery initial smile. If she doesn’t go back to her book or mobile, crack a joke about how you once got lost in your own apartment. If she laughs and smiles—keep it up. And natural. Don’t try to be super-clever, which is hard to do when you’re nervous.
If you can keep the conversation going for several minutes, ask if she’d like to get together again. You might get turned down, or you might not, but you probably won’t get accused of systemically oppressing a female person with your phallocentric entitlement. Neil Strauss advised in The Game that rejection is how you get better at getting a yes.
How not to talk yourself out of a yes
I will assume you’ve dropped everything by this paragraph and gone through your closet and schlepped to the thrift store anything that makes you look stupid, invisible, or worst of all, like Adam Sandler.
I will assume you’ve at least made an appointment for a good haircut.
So now, here you are, looking better than you did several sections ago. Congratulations, we can see you better now! You might find you’re kind of cute or handsome, after all. I’ve seen men I thought unattractive appear with a great haircut and think, “How did I miss that? Oh, he was hiding it.”
You now have another small leg up on most of your competition, except for the babe-a-ramas. Fortunately, not all women want one.
Don’t ask her name upfront
She knows what you’re doing. You’ve just informed her you don’t understand the need to chat her up first. She has to make a snap decision. You’ll get a yes only if she finds you attractive at first sight.
Don’t start by asking personal questions
See the previous paragraph.
Don’t comment on her physical looks
Ditto.
Be wary of ‘woke’ or ‘social justice warrior’ signals. These women can be fairly tetchy, although not all, of course. Research consistently shows that young liberal women report higher levels of mental health distress than other groups, and sometimes expect potential dating partners to tick a lengthy list of ‘acceptable’ political and ideological positions.
What if she goes viral-worthy on me?
Oh. Them. The drama queens.
Here’s how to handle rejection.
Don’t pull out your phone and record her. It will just inflame her, and draw attention from others who haven’t heard the previous friendly interchange, and think you’re the asshole.
Don’t get defensive or apologize. You did nothing wrong. When dealing with a bad or over-reaction, your job is to remain calm, and the most powerful thing you can do is walk away. Nothing looks worse for a crazy woman than a man who doesn’t grovel for forgiveness, and then shows her his receding backside.
Have standards and boundaries. Don’t tolerate bad behavior. “Sorry I’ve caught you on a bad day,” and walking away will encourage anyone who’s watching to respect you more than her.
It’s easy to assume ‘the crowd’ is a bunch of wokies in sympathy with her. But they’re a small albeit loud minority. Chances are, the crowd is peppered heavily with normies silently sympathetic to you.
Snappy comebacks for drama queens
Give her something to think about before you pull your head-held-high retreat. Remember: Finding women attractive isn’t a crime.
“Wow. I didn’t think it was bad form to ask for a date when we seemed to be getting on so well, but a simple No would have sufficed.”“Sorry, I wasn’t being patriarchal. It’s my day off.”“I was just being social, not systemic. Have a nice day.”“Thank you for making it clear I just avoided a big mistake.”“You’ve mistaken a polite introduction for an act of aggression. Thanks for helping me dodge a bullet.”“All you needed to say was, ‘No thank you’. But now I have a great story to tell on Facebook tonight about crazy feminists!” Remind her that shaming works both ways.
Only offer a snappy comeback if you can walk away after your zinger and leave her. Otherwise, you will be drawn into her drama and lose face.
The simple rules most men ignore
If this advice sounds pedestrian or common sense, I can assure you: IT’S NOT.
Most men will research anything except “how to get a girl to like me”. What if incels stuck in ’80s movies spent their time Googling to better understand women, instead of moaning to each other about hypergamous females and hot chads?
I’ll sum it up in three points:
Look your best.
Start a conversation.
Move on and try again.
Good luck! And if you’d rather not try, you might well have a future as a career criminal.
Did you like this post? Do you want to see more? I lean left of center, but not so far my brains fall out. Subscribe to my Substack newsletter Grow Some Labia so you never miss a damn thing! There are also Substack and Spotify podcasts of more recent articles!
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