The Trump Anti-Birth Control Mandate: Introducing the Adopt-A-Fetus Program
- 5 hours ago
- 7 min read
If every life is sacred, it’s time for Republicans and conservatives to prove it by opening their homes (and wallets)!
It’s particularly cruel that the Trump administration has declared war on wanted babies by first stacking the Court during Term 1 to turn Roe v. Wade into a historical footnote, and also threatens birth control access. The Trump birth control mandates have made sexual intercourse even more dangerous, although given cross-generational erectile dysfunction, maybe it doesn’t matter. Contraception is no longer, as Politico points out, untouchable.
Trump’s Reign of Error, Part Deux certainly doesn’t encourage family planning. The Republican’ts raise the alarm that Americans won’t have enough young people to take care of them in their old age, while making it as untenable as possible to plan or afford wanted children. Nor will they make childcare more affordable. Instead, Trump’s return a year and a half ago is to reverse-Robin Hood Americans in favor of anyone with ten-digit or more net worth. Even the price of a used car to get to work has made the cost of raising a child near-impossible. Like it’s the Middle East or something. Except run by the most double-digit IQ Christians rather than knuckle-dragging terrorists.
God-fearin’, God-lovin’ Texas, where ev-e-ry sperm is sacred, whether you’re Catholic or not, has suffered an increase in newborns left in dumpsters since the end of Roe. They learned the hard way, in 2021, when they banned early-trimester abortions, that many babies died anyway, but, after they’d been born and left in trash cans.
What a diff’rence ten minutes makes, from womb to tomb.
Is this the generation (the ones who survive anyway) that they want taking care of them in their old age?
From womb to tomb: The cost of Trump’s "Reign of Error"
Since the Trumpazoids like enforcement, it’s time to instigate mandatory adoption for pro-life activists.
If Republicans and other ‘pro-lifers’ want women to turn back into involuntary baby factories, they ought to put their money where their mouths are—or in this case, your Pampers bill—and take care of these ‘precious lives’ themselves. Ironically, conservatives are usually the last to be willing to foot the bill for other peoples’ babies, and the first to yell, “FRY ‘IM!” when someone’s unwanted, abused, neglected baby grows up to steal their Lambo or kill someone on the subway.
Or as one pro-Roe protest sign put it, “You’re pro-life until you have to pay child support”.
This has to change.
There must be consequences for reckless ‘pro-lifery’, the ultimate luxury belief. Let’s give ‘pro-lifers’ something to think about, which they’ll have plenty of time to do since they won’t be having sex until they Make America (Voluntarily) Generate Again.
For those of you with an activist mindset, accelerate change fast by enacting a “No More Blowjobs” campaign. Because Trump’s and J.D.’s plan to make sexual intercourse riskier works too well for lazy men.
Under my Adopt-A-Fetus program, anyone who’s ever waved a ‘Babies are murdered here’ placard will be put on a list of people assumed to be willing to adopt a pregnant woman’s baby the next time one becomes available, which should be in about three or four minutes. Anyone over a certain tax bracket gets added too. The ‘pro-life’ agenda will become one gigantic involuntary conservative Birthright program. Which is more than ironic, right?
Not everyone will be on the list, of course. They may hide their irresponsible pro-lifery by virtue-signalling for choice publicly. Or they’ll stop contributing to pro-life campaigns so no one can access their contact information, once they realize they’re the ones who must now take America’s unwanted, unloved new children. Simply drop off the baby they forced you to have at any home with a driveway with a gold-plated mailbox, a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag or a ‘These Colors Don’t Run’ bumper sticker on their Chevrolet Silverado. Or:
Who use the word ‘Jesus’ a lot in normal conversations.
Or who are fond of saying, “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!”
Or the red ballcap (goes without saying) and Confederate Flag fashionistas.
Or who are always going on about Joe Rogan.
Or who drink Coors Light, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, or Michelob ULTRA.
Tradwives; ‘bro’-casters; people wearing garishly expensive watches; Chick-Fil-A customers; country music lovers; NASCAR fans; anyone active in Homeowners Associations.
Budweiser drinkers.
Fox News watchers (natch).
Anyone bitching that “No one in this neighborhood looks like me anymore!”
$TRUMPCOIN
suckersinvestors. Ha ha ha, wait’ll they try to withdraw some money from that scam to pay for all the babies dropped on their doorsteps!
But, I’ll acknowledge, that’a bit random. There may be better ways to distribute America’s surplus infants to those who claim to value them more than the parents.
The Adopt-A-Fetus Math
Let’s define which segments of Americana will be held responsible for the babies they would force others to have. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, which provides up-to-the-minute population data on the Web, there are 342,476,958 Americans, at least as of 7:45am on May 5, 2026 when I started writing this article. So, about 342.5M. Once we filter out the 65+ and 19 and under sets, this leaves us with a ‘draft pool’ of 207M potential adoptive parents.
But, not all of those Americans are anti-choice, so the ‘hedonistic heathen’ shouldn’t be forced to pay for or adopt fetuses conservatives want more than they do.
What happens otherwise? Let’s talk about Texas again, where infant deaths spiked 13% after abortion restrictions were enacted. The earlier-mentioned newborn babies turning up in dumpsters and ditches throughout the state, allegedly ‘traumatized’ the population that voted for the politicians with a hate-on for actual ‘family planning’. The national infant mortality rate at the same time, was only 2%.
More irony! ‘Pro-life’ kills babies.
So: According to Pew Research Center, 60% of Americans believe abortion should be legal in all or nearly all cases, leaving 40% who don’t. That leaves us with 82.8M Americans to do their part after MAGA’ing (Make America Generate Again) the future shoulder-to-shoulder China of the West.
According to the Guttmacher Institute, via Pew Research Center again, which appears to have more accurate figures estimating abortions than the CDC, in 2024/2025, they recorded 1,126,000 abortions per year. Here’s where the math gets spicy with the inventory distribution.
That computes to 73 babies for every ‘pro-lifer’. Every year.
“I theenk we need a beegger house!”
Calculating the Fetus-to-Pro-Lifer Ratio
Of course, those numbers would change annually since there will be a spike in unwanted fetuses the more the MAGA gang restrict birth control, but we’ll work with the numbers we have today. And remember: Recruit and train those babies raised in a fentanyl-laced placenta and with a high rate of criminality to take care of ‘pro-lifers’ in their old age!
Lucky Americans about to receive their own personal army of new bundles of joy are eligible for a new baby after every still-living pro-life American has been delivered one. If too many ‘pro-lifers’ refuse, the rest may need to go on a monthly subscription. The other option for Americans who simply don’t have the physical room or time to raise someone else’s precious children, is raising their taxes. A 2026 LendingTree analysis estimates the current cost of raising a child to 18 to be $303,418.
So if you refuse for whatever reason, your taxes rise to help defray the costs to the families who graciously (or not) accept your unwanted babies. And those taxes are cumulative, for one the first year, two the second year, three the third year…
How healthy the baby comes to you depends on how much pre-natal care the uninsured mother gets, or is able to seek if she’s not blind-ass drunk or strung out most of the day. (Might want to start a savings account for your opioid-withdrawal babies!) Remember: Republicans don’t want to fund pre-natal care. Just fry the little criminal later.
There would be no exceptions to the program; when your name(s) came up, you take the baby or you pay higher taxes (about $30,000 a year, the price of a new mid-sized sedan. You might have to sell yours.) This goes directly to whoever gets the baby you claim you can’t afford. But pshaw, Republicans can afford it, they’re all filthy rich anyway! Everyone knows only billionaires voted for Trump! Layoffs or a new baby of your own would not be an excuse; if you’re going to force people to have babies, you’re going to assume their responsibilities. All life is sacred! But maybe your church can hold a bake sale for you or something.
Married people could conceivably—or not, ar ar!—get two babies in one year if both your names are drawn from the massive bingo ball—which includes Log Cabin Republicans single and married, many of which may become single again if all those kids don’t split up the marriage.
Of course, the amount of actual pro-lifers who register will be far less than the 82.8M I estimated, with a corresponding ‘jump’ in American support for restoring Roe v. Wade and demand for neighborhood condom bowls. It will sort of resemble the Franklin Mint ads you used to see in the Sunday Parade magazine if you’re of a certain age, back when they periodically sent you a collection of Princess Diana dolls in five or six easy $29.95 installments. Except every three months or so you’ll receive a living doll to the family, and you’ll be laying out a hell of a lot more than $29.95, with a never-ending supply of baby dolls.
But, in order to not risk fetuses being left on your doorstep daily, pro-lifers will want to regularly state, “Every child a wanted child!” in progressive settings and occasionally lament the loss of Roe. “Jesus? Who’s he?”
The Resistance: How to Opt Out of the Adopt-A-Fetus Lottery
The only way to get out of being buried in babies is to join The Resistance.
Please! An orderly line, people! We don’t want a stampede!
In order to opt out, you must sign a notarized affidavit which will be published on social media supporting a federal right to birth control and abortion.
Or, you could ‘Sign up now for the 2027 lottery!’ which offers a “Platinum Tier” for donors who want “first dibs” on the most “sacred” [i.e., healthiest, whitest] fetuses.
I expect Roe to be returned to federal law by the following Tuesday.
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